Thursday, January 31, 2008

TFT: cry it out

That's me I'm talking about, not your baby.

I've turned into a cryer.
I thought this was a fitting thought for this Thursday, seeing how I bawled my eyes out at the dentist yesterday. I was thinking last night, about how I cry so easily at so many things. It's unfortunately my way of releasing emotion... whether it's stress or anger or fear or whether I really am happy about something... it comes out in tears. And that's rather annoying, in that crying usually makes me feel like if others see that, they relate that to being weak and emotional. They either think I'm stupidly overreacting (which I am) or they feel sorry for me. And I hate that.
I'm not sure why it is I cry. I never used to. Actually growing up, through middle school and high school, I remember quite often laughing in many inappropriate emotional situations. Apparently that was my release then. If I got in trouble in class, if I was embarrassed, if I was stressed, if I was worried about something, I laughed. I remember an instance where I was at a pizza party and a good friend of mine was standing on a chair and slipped and fell, causing her to choke on the bite of pizza in her mouth. She was honestly choking; couldn't breathe, needed the Heimlich, and one of the adults had 911 on the phone. It was scary. And I laughed. As soon as she had spit up the pizza and was breathing again, I couldn't stop laughing. And I felt horrible, as my friend thought I was laughing at her, when here she had almost died...
But that's what happened when I was in emotional situations.

I don't know when that switched over to tears for me. A friend of mine (who also happens to have gone to school in psychology) thinks it was around the time I got married. Like I grew up having to release my stressful feelings through laughter, protecting myself and fending off the real emotions, and that once I met Ryan I had a bigger sense of security and was more comfortable, felt "safer", releasing more of that emotion. So my laughter switched over to tears. Well, I must feel reeeaaaally safe, because those tears just keep coming...

I don't like it. I don't like that I can't control that. I don't like that my eyes well up or my lip quivers or the feeling that I'm on the verge of holding back that ugly crying face anytime I'm faced with something stressful or scary or embarrassing or confrontational or really ANYTHING. And the killer is that most of the time these things are not that big of a deal! I don't have to be super stressed or worried or upset about something for the tears to be there, they just show up. And then I'm even more embarrassed because of how people perceive I'm reacting. They think I'm really upset or sad or something is horribly wrong, and I'm trying so hard not to lose it that I can't even explain to them that really, I'm okay! That really, I'm not always a bumbling Idiot, and this crying is just something I do, and it's just all really stupid, and they should just ignore it.
I hate being emotional.
And then I get stressed out about being emotional, so it makes me more emotional... HAHA!

So. For your thoughts...
a) do you think I'm crazy? haha! no, sadly, I'm serious.
b) do you ever laugh/cry, sometimes inappropriately, in emotional situations as your "release"?

10 comments:

Christina said...

I'm a cryer, always have been. I cry about sad things, I cry about happy things, simple and complex things. I cry often while on the eliptical at the gym while watching a Baby Story. I'm pathetic. So, no I don't think you are strange, wierd, etc, unless I am too??? :) J/k. Anyway, people have different ways of letting out their emotions and we just happen to cry. Now there are times I'm frustrated about crying, whening I feel as if I'm not being mature about a situation, but I can't deny my feelings and I just have to work on finding appropriate places (ie; alone perhaps) where I can let out my emotion and talk to God about it. Anyway, just my little thoughts on crying.

Amie R said...

Well, soon after you got married, VERY soon after if you recall...you got PREGNANT! SO, maybe your hormone balance just changed or something...permanently. I am a blubbering idiot right now...the tears just come. My in-laws cryy all the time! They will start telling a story and the just start crying...so maybe there is some hormone thing to it...because they are getting older and I am sure their levels are changing.

I think I much prefer you crying inappropriately rather than laughing inappropriately. I think this might have to do with your tendency to be shy. Maybe you get nervous and have some anxiety that translates into an inappropriate response, which ironically leads to more anxiety. Do you do it more around other people, or is it the same even when you are alone? By the way...I would not call it crazy...I would call it a quirk. :) We all have our quirks...I am quite fond of mine. ;)

Michelle Leigh said...

I agree with Amie, I think pregnancy makes women cry! It wasn't too bad with my first, got a little worse with my 2nd, but nowadays I can't keep my tears in. I never, ever used to cry, now I cry several times a week. I blame it on all the hormones. Your youngest is still very young and they say it takes 2 years to really get back to normal, if there is a normal anymore! I don't think you are a baby or weak, it's just a normal human emotion. Although I agree, I hate crying. It sucks!

JessicaP said...

I was always a little bit of a crier. But after having the girls, I turned into a sobbing cry-baby wreck. I cry at such stupid things, too. It's so annoying, because like you, it makes me feel weak somehow...but it's just my emotional release, I guess. And, I think it's pretty normal seeing as how at least 4 out of the 5 women friends I can think of off the top of my head do the same thing! :-)

Happy Days said...

I'm a cryer too! I have always been very sensitive, but it is much worse after having kids. I hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone on this one!

Heather S. said...

I have to say, I am sort of the opposite of everyone who has commented. Maybe I am the crazy one, but I used to cry about everything! In high school I cried all the time. In college I cried less and now I cry even less! Really the only time when I cry easily is when I am over tired - so this fall was rough for me. Now that I have gotten this thyroid stuff worked out - I am over the tiredness and tears.
I definitely cry if something is truly sad - serious illness, death, etc.

jenny cook said...

a) you are not crazy.
b) i think i've always been kind of emotional. like i used to be a 'closet cryer' if that makes sense. i wouldn't cry in front of people! after i had tucker, that was out the window. since then, i cry when i get super stressed or emotional. it blows because most of the time it is about NOTHING!

Lina said...

Crazy? No!
I have always been a crier! I will cry @ the Publishers Clearing House commercials 'I can't believe I won a million dollars, it will change my life!' & out comes the water works!! Bad thing is I am an UGLY crier, my nose gets Bill Clinton red & puffy!

Kristi S said...

I used to be a big baby and I still am, when it comes to certain things. I am very emotional and also get my feelings hurt easily. Hormones have a lot to do with it too! I am not a yeller so when I get upset about something, crying is usually my reaction.
Over the years though, I have found that my skin is tougher than it used to be and I cry much, much less than i used to.

Zoe said...

no. i don't think your crazy. my oldest has always laughed at inappropriate times. it's like a nervous thing for him. i tend to be a cryer which i hate. since so many people view crying as a sign of weakness. i especially hate that i cry when i'm angry!

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