Wednesday, April 14, 2010

last week, this week, the kids, blah blah blah

Warning: random and messy post

Last week was a rough week. Rough.
Friday? Was I think safe to say the worst day I remember of the last ten years. It started off as just "one of those mornings"... only it was the last straw of the week, we were (I was) trying to get the house cleaned and us packed up for a quick trip down to Nashville, and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day was too much for me. I lost it. LOST. IT.
All the stress of being on my own 80+% of the week, keeping the house ready to show, being out of the house for showings, doing all the kid stuff, the stress of whether our house will sell or not, how much money we might lose on it, how much it's going to cost us to move, the fact that we can't find (afford) a house down there that works for us, needing a new car but needing to secure a new mortgage first, and seeing no end in sight... it all came crashing down. Plus I'm tired of ransacking my closet for these last few weeks of 80 degree summerlike weather and hating everything because in all this stress I have conveniently gained like 10 pounds. Or more. It's depressing. And so continues the cycle.

Anyway, Friday I was not a pretty sight. It all seemed so suffocating to me; being disappointed and frustrated with how all of this is working out -or not working out-, trying to ignore this depression funk I feel like I'm slipping into lately, feeling overwhelmed with all the stress; the kids were a mess, I was a huge mess and just. so. done.
I spent probably half of the day crying. Feeling like I'm failing at all of this. Feeling stupid for not being able to handle a few months of single parenting, silly for being stressed about house stuff when I know it's all in God's hands.
I had a little [big] break down. A mini [not really] anxiety attack. The one of the worst Mommy days -heck just the worst Heather day- in a long time. Maybe ever.
I broke down mid-morning, finally got us out of the house and on the road by noon, still with tears falling most of the morning, and proceeded to still cry most of the five hour trip to Nashville.
I was so ready to see my husband.
And let it all out.

And then we had a great weekend.
(Still no promising houses for us... but I guess that's okay since we have no promising buyers here yet either)
The kids and I drove home Sunday evening and had a great ride (the kids were honestly perfect angels the whole trip) and I felt ready to tackle another week.

It helped that it's a short week this week. It helped to know it would only be three days until Ryan was coming home for a long weekend for his baby girl's birthday. :)

And this week has been good.
I was telling a girlfriend the other day that I've been completely praising God daily for this extraordinary weather we've had this spring... it feels like summer and we've been outside and in the sun almost every day. Really if I'm not busy with something pertinent inside, we've been out of doors constantly the past few weeks. If I had to deal with very many bouts of rainy dreary weather right now, I don't think it would bode well for me. The sunshine makes me smile. Being out in the gorgeous green St Louis springtime is amazing and would have to lift anyone's spirits. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy... :)

The only negative is that I've been bad bad bad with taking any snapshots of all this soaking up the sun. Imagine photos inserted here...
  • kids carwashing
  • giant murals of chalk drawings
  • s'mores with the neighbors
  • feeding the ducks at the pond
  • lots of picnics
  • bare feet
  • bike rides
  • evening walks
  • chasing bunnies
  • watering flowers
  • first soccer practices of the season
  • dirty feet
  • reading on blankets in the grass
I can see them all in my mind and I wish I had the images on some hard memory too. I vow next week to use that camera!

We'll get some use out of it this week yet, though as tomorrow is SJ's birthday. Unbelievable. Seven years old. I cannot wrap my mind around that. She's so old. Getting her ears pierced tomorrow. Planning her own birthday party. Milking it for all it's worth since it's "my last birthday in St Louis".
She's been a ton of fun lately. A little less goofy, a little more grown up, but still making me smile more and more. I love to watch her lately. Love (and hate) to see how she's changing, love (and hate) to see the way her mind works and being reminded of how fast kids grow up, love (and hate) to try and remember her as a little baby seven years ago. Was that really seven years ago?! Seems like yesterday.

Sawyer's been super sweet lately too. A little emotional with all this stuff going on (who isn't these days?) but extra snuggly too. He'll run out of the middle of soccer practice, across the field just to come over and give me a random hug out of the blue and tell me he loves me. I say 'I love you too' and he says 'but I love you the most, more than you, you know!'. Makes my heart smile.

Made me smile today too, as we were eating lunch out in the midst of errands and he was chatting it up with another preschooler nearby. He asked this kid's name and was told it was Brandon Joe. Then Brandon Joe went back to his lunch. And Sawyer proceeded to turn to me and say (rather loudly)(and this isn't the part that made me smile- quite the contrary) ' Brandon Joe? That's a dumb name!'
I was astonished. Horrified. I didn't look over, but I'm sure Brandon Jo's dad heard that.
'Sawyer, why on earth would you say that? You never say mean things like that, especially to new friends... what's gotten into you? That is not a kind thing to say.'
'Well, it is a dumb name! Don't you think it's a dumb name? Brandon Joe? Wow. Thats the dumbest name I ever heard.'
I was still flabberghasted. 'I think it's a great name for a great kid. How would you feel if someone thought Sawyer was a dumb name?'
'They don't' he stated completely matter-of-factly.
'Well, they might. Someone might think Sawyer Isaac is a dumb name but I don't think they would say that because it's your name and that might hurt your feelings.'
'Well, no one would say it because it's not a dumb name and it'll never be a dumb name. It's the best name because you and daddy made it and because it's me!!' and then he added with a head tilt, slight wink and a Friends/Joey How-You-Doin' type nod and tone, 'Sawyer Isaac is cool....'
I couldn't help but laugh... followed by more manners coaching of course.
And hoping the boys' dad wasn't overhearing all of this and shaking his head how full of himself my kid is...

The third kid around here is pretty fun to hang out with these days too. It probably helps that I haven't had him for a full week in I can't remember how long, what with him hanging out with grandparents and a couple of weeks of spring break vacations here and there. And not to mention that I get to bid him farewell every day a 5pm! But he's at such a fun age (9 months) and just loving his buddies here in Savannah and Sawyer. They're having a blast entertaining Caleb. I'm realizing he's all boy though as just this morning he ripped a board book and tore a knob off of our tv cabinet and managed to empty out his diaper bag in a blink. I have a feeling he's going to be a busy one! At least he's a mostly smiley busy one!!

Well, birthday busyness starts tomorrow, so I have some work to do.
ttfn :)


Christina said...

Heather- you deserved a whole day of crying, you have a ton on your shoulders girl. I'm proud of you and it sounds like you are doing an awesome job. Grace yourself!

Can't wait to hear and see pictures from SJ's birthday. You always are so inspiring with your b-day parties. Have fun.

lina said...

Oh Heather! I teared up reading this post! {{Hugs }} to you! Only to end it laughing, Sawyer is at that age where kids will (& do) say anything!
Hope this week is better :)

Jessica said...

I read this yesterday and loved it so much I had to copy and paste it for you...maybe it will lift your heart as it did mine...

Whatever we are facing in this moment we can choose to grab on to the truth. Let everything else go. Let go of the anxiety- fear- uncertainty- and frustration. Park our mind with what is true. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free," (John 8:32).

jenny said...

big huge hugs coming your way! i can't imagine having to do all that you're doing while being a 'single' parent. it is bound to break anyone down. it sounds like things looked up during your weekend ... and you have an even better one in store. take care!

Nicole said...

:( Sorry you're so down! Call me if you need to chat/vent etc. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Praying that the end of the stress comes soon. For both of us. Love you girl and your funny little boy! Sarah Pearson

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