sometimes

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest person in the world.
And other times I feel like the rug could be pulled out at any time.

Sometimes I am so astounded that I am living the life I am that I can barely breathe. I can hardly believe that it is me who gets to have this wonderful husband, two beautiful and healthy, incredible kids, a big comfortable home, a good church, a supportive family and some pretty incredible friends.
It brings me to my knees.

But in the back of my mind there's something always there. Something not letting me completely, entirely, whole-heartedly soak it all in. Something that believes- I don't know what. That it's too good to be true? Too good to be true for very long anyway.
Something that wants to be prepared for when I wake up and find it's all been a dream.
When is it all going to fall apart?

I'm terrified of losing my husband.
I'm positive I could be diagnosed with cancer at any time. And if I'm not, I'm sure my husband or my kids will be.
I'm worried he will be out of a job again and this time we won't be so lucky*.
I'm waiting for some unknown to come along and suddenly, we don't really have this big comfortable home.

I felt like this after I met Ryan. He's too good, it's too right, we're too happy.
I felt like this after our wedding. How did I stumble into such an awesome marriage?
I felt like this for months after we bought our first house. When are they going to call and say the bank made a mistake, it's not really ours?
I felt like this again moving down here. This was too easy, it all fell too simply into place, we're too comfortable here.
I feel like this watching my children. How did we so accidentally end up with two such beautifully perfect kids**?

Again, like it's all a dream.

I keep feeling like one of these days I'll be married long enough (isn't seven years long enough??) or have been a home owner long enough, or be reminded that these children are a gift to me enough times that I'll get over it. It'll have to eventually sink in that this is my life, right? At some point I'll get the fact that my life is good.

Why am I waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop?
Why should I fear being waken from this "dream"?
Why do I feel maybe I don't deserve this life? That we don't deserve to be this content.

It's not like I live in fear.
I don't think about this often. But it is one of those things that's kind of just always hanging out quietly in the back of my head. Like trying to avoid eye contact with it.
Because if I look directly at it, if I pay attention to it, it can get ugly.
If I let it, it can be so scary.

Grace. Peace. Trust.
I need these. I need to remember to ask for these.
I need to be willing to embrace these.

I need to know, whether the rug is under me or not, that I'm okay. That we're okay.
I do know that.

Matthew 7:9-11
You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you trick them with a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give what is good to those who ask him.



It's just that some days, that knowledge is quieter than the taunting of the wannabe rug-puller.



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*I know 'luck' had nothing to do with it.
**Please know I don't mean 'beautifully perfect' in the literal, anyone-who's-not-their-mother- sense... you know what I do mean, right?
And please know that I'm not claiming some peachy picture perfect painting of our life... it's the same everyday mess as the next family. I just mean being happy overall; to know how blessed I've been and how grateful I am for this life we've ended up in together as a family. That is what I'm incredulous to believe sometimes.
And afraid to trust.