vs.

**Attention Everyone**

If you would be so kind...

Do you say pop or soda?
And where do you live (or where are you from if it's different than where you live now).

Pretty please.
I'm curious.
(and I want lots of data to satisfy my curiosity...)

can I get a little consistency?

You know the mantra... Kids need consistency.
I give my kids plenty of consistency. They have consistent rules, boundaries, consequences... they have a mostly predictable schedule and routine. Consistency is something I feel I am good at providing my kids.

And yet, what do us parents of small children get in return?
Pretty much the furthest thing from consistency... Your kid's a good napper? Just wait two weeks. You think you have a behavior nipped in the bud? Just wait a day. You think they like grilled cheese and carrot sticks? Just wait till dinnertime. Absolutely the opposite of consistent.

Yesterday?... My kids, in one sitting, each ate three Bran Applesauce Muffins. Three! Each!
Today?... I can't get either one of them to eat even half of one. They act like it's the most horrible food on the planet.

Obviously the only thing consistent about these kids is that they are in fact inconsistent.

*****
Friday Questions!
Tell me please, what do you set your thermostat (if you have central air) at in the summer? How about in the winter too, just for kicks.

Wintertime; we set it at 68*, going down to 65-66 at night.
In the summer we set the ac at 78*. I knock it down to 76 if we have a lot of people over or sometimes just before bedtime for a bit because it gets so much hotter upstairs. Or if I'm just miserable. I have to sneak it though, because Ryan's a 78* stickler.
Is that not a common setting? I remember at the end of last summer (well into the fall, actually) mentioning something about it being so nice that it was finally cooler... about it being the first time (probably since we had moved in) that our thermostat had read that it was cooler than 76 degrees in our house...
And someone said they wondered if maybe our thermostat was not working well. I'd love to keep the house cooler than that... but we have a big house and can't afford to pump up the ac more than we do. How do you run the ac in the summer?

tired

I still have not been able to really shake this sick stuff. It's starting to really drive me nuts because each day it's completely different. The first day I just felt sick, like fever stuff, with the chills and aches and stuff. The following day I had a sore throat. Painful. But over all I felt better. Then the next day it was a cough, and back to feeling yucky. The next morning, my throat didn't really hurt, but I was coughing and would lose my voice completely for hours at a time. Then the next day I had no cough, but my throat was horribly sore again; the kind where you put off swallowing for as long as you possibly can and just let the saliva build up in your mouth until you can't take it any more...
Now the last couple of days I feel mostly fine, but I have this annoying cough any time I breath deeply at all. Whether I'm talking or just resting, I have to make myself take shallow breaths or I end up hacking this dry cough and just can't stop. And now tonight my throat's hurting again.
It's so bizarre. I wonder what'll be on the docket tomorrow...

Anyway, put together my not feeling up to par and the crazy busy day we had today;
We had a couple of errands to run this morning, then I took Savannah to an ice skating lesson with her friend (they had a bring a friend day) before lunch, after lunch I had to take her to a dance rehearsal for their upcoming concert, and then immediately after the rehearsal we drove into the city for a birthday party... and it adds up to one tired momma here.

We had a lot of fun at the birthday party though. Pleasantly more fun than I was expecting, considering I knew no one there besides the 2 year old birthday boy and his fam. I knew the kids would have fun and it's always nice to see Katie, Russ and Eliot, so I had decided regardless of knowing no one else on the guest list of 30+ people, we would head out to say Happy Birthday. I'm glad we went. It was an outdoor barbecue and not only did the kids have a blast (Savannah made a new bosom-buddy-of-the-moment with another five-year-old girl there and Sawyer just absolutely ran himself ragged with all the kids and the huge yard!) but we grown-ups actually ended up having some nice chats with lots of people. Ryan even knew a few people there from their Greenville days, so it was nice to see/meet them and catch up. It was good to round out our busy day with such a nice afternoon.

Something did hit me hard today though... something that I think makes me feel my tiredness even more. Makes me emotionally tired.
It's how much I really miss my friends. My oldest and truest friends.

Having made two interstate moves in the past two years, I've gotten used to being in situations like today; Being the "new ones" in the group, meeting people, learning names and connections, telling our story over and over to every new person we talk to. I'm used to it. I have to put myself out there and I'm getting better at it I think. *Sometimes* I even enjoy it.
But this afternoon, in between chatting here and there, I found myself stepping back and observing more and more often. It was very obvious this group of family and friends were all very close, that different groups had bonds and history and jokes that went back years and years... That while they were all nothing but friendly and sincere and welcoming and easy to talk with me being the "new girl", I still couldn't help but feel it. These were close friends. These were loving friends who had been through thick and thin with each other and who would be around for years to come. Some from college, some through church, some from birth.

And it wasn't that I felt left out, or that I didn't belong there, or that they treated me differently. It was simply something I noticed because it made me realize how much I miss that. How much I miss being surrounded by people who know me. Who really know me. Who know what I'm like and what I think. Friends who know my past, where I'm from, where I've been. People who have laughed with me, cried with me, prayed for me. People who knew me before I was married, or before I was a mom, or before five months ago. Heck, how about before five minutes ago?
I miss the ease of that, the comfort of that. I miss them.

I'm glad that we're feeling settled here. I'm thankful that we've finally found a church to call home, that we are in a great community, that the weather is so beautiful right now and we have excuses to be out doing things, meeting up with people. I need to keep up the motivation of forging new friendships and taking care to grow the ones we've established here so far. That eventually I can have those kinds of friends here... laughing over inside jokes, finishing each others sentences or just reading a look. I know they won't ever replace the friendships back home, but I can't wait to have some time slip by where having had time to build on them, my friendships here too get into that place of being more comfortable... of being easy. Of being known.

it's time; part two

I had a second part to the time management stuff that turned into more of not-so-much time management/family stuff, but priority/Mom stuff, so here's that second part. With more thoughts added at the end after other Thoughts for Thursday.
In other words; long post.

Now that I've organized my time a little more, I feel like I can focus better on the kids. They, by the way, have gotten much better about playing together just in the last couple of weeks. I mean, sure they have their moments, but they're really playing together much more easily with me having to intervene less and less. But as nice as that is, I have to be more intentional about not just always leaving them to fend for themselves while I'm cleaning or emailing or blogging or doing whatever it is that I do to fill my time with them otherwise occupied. I need to remember to take time out for fun projects, or to take walks, or to involve them in the chores more instead of just shooing them off to play or piling them in the car to run errands. I need to be more engaged with them. Just as I've needed more structure in the day to day keeping of the house, they too need structure. I mean, we have our routines, but I think they need more structured activities.

I think I have to go back to lesson plans. Seriously. Very generally laid out plans, but I need to plan.

Like I said before, as a teacher, my days were planned out weeks ahead of time. My time and my classroom were so well organized, I look at my life now and I think what happened to that? I always pictured my staying at home with my kids as a mini version of my preschool class... we would have a flexible routine, things to keep us busy, doing certain things on certain days, etc. And I did actually do quite a bit of that when Savannah was little. We did lots of art time and made projects and made forts and played tons of learning games.

Now since Sawyer came along, where did that all go? I must have left it in Oregon when we moved last year. Or forgot to dig it out when we moved again this year. I feel like these days all I do is chase the kids around, clean up after them and keep them from killing each other. Where did all my proactive vs. reactive habits go? Where are my fun times with my kids?

Because, if I'm honest? I'm not always enjoying them like I should be.

I send them to bed, more often than not, thoroughly relieved that my day with them is over. I'm frustrated from mealtime, short-tempered with their not listening and testing, and generally just done being their mom for the day. I don't like leaving them for the night feeling that way. I don't want them to pick up on that feeling at all.

So my plan. Apart from having more time during the day to actually play with them, I have a few things I want to try out.

• One morning a week I'm going to plan a bigger project; whether it's baking and decorating cookies, or making a project, or painting a big cardboard box for a house, we're going to have something (planned ahead of time!) to do together, working together, for an hour or two. Something we can look forward to doing and something they can be proud of, something to show Daddy when he comes home.
• On the date of their birthday each month, I want to make it "their" day. As a way to make them feel important and a little more in control, they call all (well, most of) the shots that day. Savannah was talking to me the other night about feeling frustrated that I always tell her what to do. I reminded her of all the choices she gets to make herself, and pointed out that sometimes obedience is one of the challenging things about being a kid, but decided I wanted to come up with a way for her to exercise more of that "being the boss" thing. So on that day, they are the boss; they get to choose something fun to do, or a movie to watch, what we're eating for dinner, that kind of thing. Just some extra "me" time for them.
• Then also, I want to start doing Mother-Son/Daughter and Father-Son/Daughter dates. I want Ryan and I to spend some special one on one time with each of the kids. I'm not sure on the time frame yet, but I'm thinking twice a month, each of us will take some time out with each of the kids to do something special. Going to the park for a bike ride, just Ryan and Savannah, or me and her out for ice cream, or to a movie... and then some time with Sawyer to do whatever it is that will make his little toddler face smile. Just some undivided attention one on one that I wonder if we're letting slip aside in our day to day lives sometimes. I just want to be more intentional about it. I want them to know they deserve a spot carved out in our time like that. Time to just focus on them; not the two of them, not having to be a big sister or a little brother, but just time to be themselves and be with Mommy or Daddy.

*****
Nicole's post yesterday was quite timely as I was sitting on this post in my blog. See, I've been struggling with lots of those feelings lately. Like I'm not doing enough; I'm not always the Mom my kids deserve. And I read Nic's post thinking I would feel relieved by what she had to say and the points she made. That I should feel relief from some of that "measuring up". But I didn't and do you know why? Because I realized in writing this post the other day that it's not about me feeling guilty or imperfect because I'm trying to keep up with other moms or win some Mother of the Year award. It's about me not being the best mom to my kids that I can be. The key words being that I can be. Meaning I should be working at it.

Sure I can say that I make mistakes... I probably don't play with my kids enough, I know I'm often lazy and selfish and take the easy way out in feeding them or disciplining them, I know I don't always encourage and direct them in all the right ways, I know I yell at them when I often should grow up and be the adult in the situation. I'm not perfect and I know that.

But I don't want that to be an excuse to not do my best.

I can be more intentional with my kids. I can choose to look at this "job" I have for what it is. I'm shaping these little people. Yes, no matter what I do they know that they are loved and safe... but really if I love them and want them to be amazing little people I'm truly proud of as they grow up, I need to do better.
As Nicole said:
"No one is perfect. I'm not. You're not. So, why pretend. Why TRY to pretend? Why get wrapped up in trying to perfect ourselves... it'll never happen.
I've decided this.... there will be no more trying to keep up with the Jones'. No more letting the way other people lead their lives somehow make me feel like less of a good mom."

BUT. As much as I won't let other people make me feel like less of a good mom, I want to feel like a good mom. I want to be the mom that my kids deserve. And they deserve the best. I don't want to dismiss that "guilt" as comparing myself to the mom next door. For me and where I know I'm at, that is the easy way out. I want that measuring stick to be my kids and the way our home is running. I know I'm making more of an effort and being more intentional. I know I'm taking steps to be more "proactive" with my kids and everyone getting along and behaving and things running smoothly, instead of just always being in "reactive" mode. And that's what's easing my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty or instead of knowing I'm not doing all I should be or beating myself up over it, I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm making changes that are sometimes inconvenient or uncomfortable for me. But hopefully my kids are getting a better mom out of it. Which in turn makes them better kids.

Like I said, all of this adjustment of attitude and routines and stuff is new for me.
I mean I've known it all along, but to actually get off my butt and really do things about the things I'm not happy with. I'm just at the beginning.

7 random thoughts.... elaborated

Because you know me. 'Short story long' is what I like to say.
You may have seen '7 random thoughts' posts floating around blogs the last couple of weeks... well I'm taking a turn, only my thoughts are of course whole paragraphs...

*Wow, it is beautiful today. Sunny and just warm enough... not hot at all but quite pleasant. Clouds here and there, and a brisk wind to remind you it's fall. Love it!
I'm glad the weather's so nice. If it were a dreary kind of rainy kind of week, I don't think it would go well with the funky up and down mood I've been in the last couple of weeks. I would definitely be more down than up. Sunshine is nice.

*Tiny dancer...
I think I forgot to mention that Savannah started a dance class. It's a combination tumbling and dance class and she loves it! It's an hour each week; half the time with her tumbling teacher and half the time with her dance teacher. She's been showing me her "moves" at home and she is really learning stuff! And having a blast. It's a neat school... it's called My King Studio of Dance and they learn bible verses and dance to fun praise music. She goes each week throughout the school year and then they have a big concert in June. I'm so glad we got her in this program! She loves it!
This is a picture of her going into class today.

*The kittens...
I think I simply forgot how much trouble baby anything is. I have had plenty of cats in my day, and actually all from kittenhood now that I think about it, but I don't remember them being this annoying obnoxious hyperactive much work. Maybe because I've never been home all day with them. And two is twice ten times as bad as one. When we first got married we adopted two sibling kittens and I do remember they seemed to egg each other on so much more. Not only did they run around playing more, but they seemed to team up to get into/onto things they shouldn't. Like they gave each other the confidence to be more mischievous. Maybe we should have gone back to just one cat this time.

*The kitchen...
I wish you could see my kitchen right now. I literally wish you could see my kitchen. It is so buried in mess right now, you cannot even see an inch of counter. Or stove. Or sink. I seriously don't think it has ever been this bad since we moved in. And I'm not really sure why it's so dreadful right now... it's not like dishes have been building up for days (cuz that would never happen around here, right?); it was clean yesterday afternoon... counters clear, sink empty. All I did was make meatballs and mashed potatoes for dinner last night, three different breakfasts for three different people this morning, rush the kids out of the house for dance class, come back home to make pumpkin pancakes for lunch, and then rush out of here to get Savannah to school this afternoon. And not clean up a single thing in between. No dishes were done last night, the pans are still sitting on the stove. Cereal boxes, muffin wrappers, and all the ingredients for the pumpkin pancakes litter my counters. And the sink is overflowing. I really should get in there and tackle that.

*The reason I'm not in the kitchen...
is because if I'm in there clanking around and have the water running, I can't hear Sawyer's squeaky door as he comes out of his room for the 214th time. He's supposed to be going down for nap. Why is it that the days Savannah is in school, he won't settle down and go right to sleep? By the time he gets to sleep on these days, I have to wake him up an hour later to go pick her up. And the days we're home, with no pressure on naptime, he drifts right off to sleep no problem. Hold on; have to go put him back in bed for the 215th time since I've sat down here.

*He's trying to turn Amish...
Half the time I go up to his room to remind him to lay down, and every morning when he gets up or after naptime, he has routinely unplugged everything in his room. The problem is, when he's trying to get to sleep, he's complaining because now his sound machine and/or his nightlight are off. I hear him whining in there, so I go in and he tells me "uh-oh", and points to the nightlight. Or the sound machine. Or the lamp. He has three things plugged in in his room and he unplugs them everytime he's in there. I tried to position furniture to cover the outlets when he moved into that room... it just didn't work. I never thought he'd become obsessed though. Ugh. It's like when he's laying there, it drives him nuts to have plugs sticking out of the outlets, but then when he unplugs them all and he's laying there in the dark and quiet, then he's not happy either.
(we have the sliding safety covers, by the way, so even though he can pull them out, he can't even try to get them back in because they're closed up. So I'm not worried about him safety-wise, except um, hello, you are not supposed to play with outlets!!!)

*Painting tonight...
Finally getting around to the guest room. Finally getting rid of that glowing yellow.
We've had the new paint for a few weeks actually, it's just that like always, we put everything off till the last minute. Of course we have guests coming to sleep in that room; why else would we finally be painting it? The Robertsons are coming through town this weekend on their way to Kansas. Excited to see them again and let the boys play (the big ones as well as the toddlers). Then next week my parents are coming for a visit. They'll be here through Halloween and Sawyer's birthday, so that'll be fun.


Alright, I have to seriously go have some words with my son. It's almost 2 o'clock. He's been up since 6 this morning and if he doesn't take a nap, well, that's just not an option.
And then I'm off to attack the kitchen. Wish me luck.

wanted

I want
to lose twenty pounds
to learn how to help my kids get along better
to remember how to be more proactive than reactive in disciplining my kids
to practice being more proactive than reactive to my daily life in general
to deepen my relationship with the Lord
to find a church home
to be involved in a Bible study
to be involved in a church small group
to read more
to enjoy exercise
to have a clean house
to have kids who pick up after themselves without complaining and fighting
to eat healthier
to go on a date with my husband
to take a real vacation
to stop spending money
to have family here for Christmas
to have friends here for New Years
to have a big dining room table to put everyone at
to go for more walks
to spend more one on one time with each of my kids
to take more pictures of my kids
to have more pictures of me and my husband
to actually put pictures of my kids in albums
to have a beautiful and relaxing bedroom, rather than the one room that feels so "undone"
to drink more water
to play the piano more
to have my piano tuned
to be more confident in myself
to meet more friends here
to feel more balanced
to be more patient with my kids
to play with my kids more
to be a happier mom for them

I want
the motivation
and the strength
and the wisdom
and the patience
to be intentionally going after all these things that I want for myself.

is it normal?

...for it to take longer for the shower to warm up than the amount of time you're actually in the shower?

...for a four-year-old to spend hours on the telephone?

...to be so indecisive that if I'm shopping by myself I often buy two options to bring home for Ryan's opinion?

...for my daughter to still be convinced after almost two years that, even though she obviously got a baby brother, we will still someday have a baby girl named Miah?

...for a toddler to teach himself to burp on purpose?

...to drink a whole milkshake with your mouth barely leaving the straw?

...for my son to want to wear his knock-off-crocs 99.9% of the time he's awake?

...to heave a sigh of relief because you're caught up on laundry and then look in the hampers and find two more loads already?

...for a toddler to say "momma....?" 827 times a day?

...for a 21 month old BOY to not only be able to walk -but run- around the house in his sister's high-heeled play dress up shoes?

...to take an hour for a preschooler to eat her dinner?... and then still not even finish it?

...to want to hide from your kids at least three times a day?

...to be trapped indoors with your kids for two straight weeks during a heat wave in Missouri?
*I guess this one answers the last one.*


I was just wondering.

more randomness

a few things...

• Sawyer (finally!) says the word bye now outloud with his waves. Only he pronounces it with a "d" instead of a "b". So if he tells you to "DIE!!"on his way out the door, don't be offended.
• Want to know what Savannah wants to eat every single day for every single snack time? Whole wheat min-bagels with the tiniest smear of strawberry preserves. At the kitchen counter. "On a grown-up glass plate".
  
• Sawyer tries to convince me each day that he likes granola bars, and when I finally give in and hand one over thinking, "maybe today he'll actually eat it", he still doesn't, and just dissects it, and somehow I continue to find peices of his granola bar in the most random places for the rest of the day.
• Savannah doesn't like any doors closed in this house. In the bathroom or for naptimes or bedtimes, she has to have the door open just a crack. If you close the door, she doesn't complain, but she immediately goes behind you to open it. She even likes to "release" the laundry room door and the hall closet. Weird.
  
• Sawyer walks around singing Ariel's Voice all. day. long. Gee, do you think he has a four-year-old sister?
• We still have funchairs around here.
• Are lemons addicting? Cuz I have been sooo craving lemon anything for like the last month. I have to constantly have lemonade in the fridge and I drink it probably five glasses a day. And the lemon bars and lemon cookies? Don't get me started. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it I might just get up and bake another batch of cookies.