coen

This boy is pretty awesome.

He slept thru the night a couple of weeks ago and he's sleeping 10 hrs a night now probably 80% of the time.  The other times it's seven or eight hours.  What's a momma to do? ;)

He love, love, loves bathtimes... smiles the whole way through, just so relaxed, chillin' in the warm bubbles.  Loves it.

He's pretty smiley in general these days.  He was a slow starter when it came to smiling, but they're out in full force now. :) Wish I could show more pictures.

He's decided suddenly this week that he NEEDS something in his mouth to go to sleep.  Problem is, he can't keep a pacifier in (his little bit of tongue-tie doesn't help) and he can't find his fingers to save his life (although he tries and tries and tries).  (if you ask me, it looks like he really wants to be a thumb/finger sucker.  I'm pushing for the binkie.)
He'll still go right to sleep for bedtime at night and sleep through, but daytime naptimes have been a struggle.  Ugh. Cannot wait for him to be able to get something in his mouth on his own. Even if it's fingers... at this point I just want him to figure it out already!

He weighed in this week at 10lbs, 9oz... he's still a little guy, but he's come so far from when he arrived here, it's crazy. And it's funny, cuz everyone comments on how chubby he's getting... in reality he's still got a pretty scrawny little bod- no rolls on his thighs or anything- but it's all in his cheeks and his little double chin.  If you just look at his face, you see a chubby little bubby, that's for sure!

He's such a little trooper, being dragged around town with us... the kids' ball game schedules have been crazy, at least one each night, sometimesfboth of them on the same night so we have to divide and conquer, and then a few over the weekends. They've been trying to cram in rain make-ups so I think that's why it's been so busy... I'm looking at the calendar for next week and see we only have three games total all week... hallelujah!
Anyway, everyone loves him when we're out, constantly commenting on how much he's grown and changed almost every time they see him.  And his hair.  Always the comments on his hair.  Although it's calmed down a ton and it's not standing up in every direction, there is still a ton of it. :)
One evening we were at SJ's game and a grandma came up and said, "I know your baby's dressed all in blue, but that's gotta be a girl with all that hair!" Wha...?  Um, no, he's a boy with all that hair. HA!

meet coen

So we have a new baby here. :)
He arrived last Tuesday, he's as sweet as can be, super duper tiny (my two babies weren't this little since probably two months before birth!) and we are loving him to pieces.
We've had a DCS team meeting already, and a first court appearance... which was basically reset to later this week, so no real plan yet.  I'm anxious to discover what the ultimate plan will be for this little guy.  He has an interesting story and I'm curious how it'll play out.

So, meet [masked for the world wide web] "Coen":

Three weeks old, all of about 6lbs, and a crazy full head of hair.
I wish I could show more [real] pictures of him as he is just the most adorably goofy little man I've ever seen.  Cute, cute, cute.  And I don't say that about all babies. ;)
My phone is filling up with snaps of this preciousness...

He's already been to Target (of course), a babysitters', the courthouse, a basketball game, a dinner party, church, and the baseball field. At just three weeks old, he's a well traveled little man already.

 He sleeps well (a lot) and we're only getting up twice a night with him, so this brand new newborn thing isn't as bad as I'd anticipated with him being so new and especially tiny.  He's a chill little guy and when he is awake he makes a lot of eye contact and is just too fun to snuggle.  I'm treasuring this tiny little bundle! 
I had to run out last week and buy a handful of things for him because even the clothes we brought Sawyer home from the hospital in, Coen was just swimming drowning in.

The kids are loving him up too. They want to hold him a lot and ask about him first thing when they get home from school, etc.  I love it.

Welcome to our world little Coen... we're happy to be loving on you while you're here! :)

last night

me: So it's going to be a girl -a teenager- and she has a little baby of her own.  She's too young to live on her own and take care of herself and her baby... she needs to be able to go to school and she needs help to learn how to take good care of her baby. They don't have any family that is able to help them right now, so they are coming to stay here just for a short time while the people in charge figure out a plan for her.

Sawyer: They really don't have anywhere to live?

me: They really don't have a place to stay or anywhere else to go right now.

Sawyer: Nobody she knows can help her?

me: There's no one else for her right now buddy.

Sawyer: contemplative pause... Mom, that's really pretty sad if you think about it, isn't it.


Yes. Yes it is.

a different goodbye

We said goodbye to our Remster this morning.
Handing Remy over to his new guardians (an aunt and uncle who are taking temporary custody while mom [hopefully] finishes this journey of hers back to her baby) this week is a completely different experience than the last time we did this with baby Miya.

That time it was played -more than once- as a probable possible adoption scenario.
That time we instantly and completely -all of us- bonded with her, no doubt about it, to the point of having a hard time imagining life without her ever again, right from the get-go... and that was magnified a hundred times over after three months of being in our family.
That time it seemed decision after decision made in court was frustrating and questionable time and time again.
That time we were uneasy about the situation we were handing her off to, heartbroken to say goodbye and worried beyond words about her future. (and still are)

This time, even though adoption was there the whole time as a back burner idea (as always with abuse/endangerment allegations) we just didn't feel it was there for us.
This time we've spent almost five months loving on this little guy and have certainly bonded with him (especially me... it'll be odd not having him physically joined at the hip!)... but it feels okay imagining loving him from a distance now.
This time things have proceeded slowly (where it pertains to family members as options for him) and have been thoroughly looked into and it's been a pretty even keel when it's come to court proceedings and decisions.
This time handing him over to his great aunt and uncle... knowing they have another little one in their home and that they are close with and involved in mom's life and "recovery"... I'm happy for their family.

Very different emotions this time.  No tears.  No real worries.
Just feeling empty handed without a babe on my hip today.
Just starting at noises in my quiet house and then reminding myself there's no one upstairs on the other end of the baby monitor to be listening for.
Just catching a glance of the picture of that sweet smile on our chalkboard and saying a prayer for our little buddy and his momma.

And just wondering who and what is next for us.

we have signage

Finally, after almost 4 months in our home, after hours and hours and hours of specific and intentional consistent modeling, coaching, and encouraging, the little guy we have here has finally this past week put together some ASL/baby signs...
Remy will now sign eat/food, more and all done.
Yay! We have communication!!

Until now, he's made no effort to communicate with us other than crying.  He doesn't do the usual toddler grunting or any "ah, ah"/"uh, uh"-ing  with motioning when he wants something.  He doesn't signal us no when he doesn't want or like something.  He just basically freezes and turns on this pathetic cry with no other indication of what he actually needs. He's always just cried and if we didn't know what his crying was about, then he'd very quickly fall completely apart... making it a complete guessing game as to what he's wanting or not wanting.

He still won't wave bye-bye or point to things or shake his head yes or no, but I'm hopeful that now some of these communication connections have been made, that it'll all just keep coming.  Quite quickly, I'm anticipating. :)
He's been consistently doing these specific signs at mealtimes for the past week or so and today he signed "more" at the playground as well when he wanted to go down the slide again.

I am so stupidly excited about this, you don't even know. :)
Yay little Remster!

"let's eat!":

"more":

fostering honesty- my first kids

We're only about eight months into this actual foster care family life, and honestly already I can see a big difference in my own kids.

I don't know if it's as much a "foster care" difference as it is just having other little people share in our family, but having a little bit more big brother/big sister responsibility has seemed to work wonders on my own kids.  I feel like changing up the dynamics of our family has been a good distraction from the "ruts" and bad relational habits (i.e. sibling fighting) I feel like we fall into.  And while it's not always a pretty picture, I think overall we're doing really well.

Honestly, going into this I was a little worried because I knew it would be a family effort... the patience and understanding and flexibility it takes seems unending sometimes.

And while one of my children is very empathetic in certain situations, she can also be quite selfish and short on patience.  And lazy.

And although my other child is, more often than not, a willing little helper, he's also only six, and even though he can be so sweet and nurturing, he's again- only six and his world can be a little self-centered.

So I didn't know what to expect from them.

Honestly according to my plan, we would have had other siblings in our house before now, so my kids are a little on the "older" end and frankly a little more set in their ways and a little more "aware" than I had foreseen when it came to throwing other and different kids in the mix.

But I'm happy to say I've seen only positive side effects so far.
I'm proud to say these kids of ours have stepped up and helped in so many ways.  They've been understanding of all the unknowns, they've been loving and tender with the newbies, and they've been reasonable about the adjustments our family has had to make depending on who is here with us.

Honestly, they've grown up a little I think.
In a little more responsible, a little less all-about-me, a little bit of a more mature kind of way.

And honestly I think it's given them more confidence.
More confidence in our family, more confidence that we're doing something that will make a difference in someone's life, and more confidence in who they are themselves and the part they play in our family.

When we first had a baby here, early last spring, SJ was hesitant to help much.  She was reluctant to hold the baby and hassled by being asked to help, go get something for me, etc.  But the longer it's been needed, the more she's done -and realized she can do- and ultimately, the more confident she's become.
Nowadays if you asked her, she would tell you she can take care of a baby all by herself and she's more than willing to help, offering to hold, entertain, keep an eye on, feed, whoever or whatever I might need a hand with here and there.

Honestly, both kids step up and do what they can, usually without even being asked.  Especially when our sometimes difficult one is being super fussy or having one of his crazy meltdowns.
They play with him and love on him and try to make him happy without prompting.  And that makes my heart happy.

Honestly I was worried about negatives of some of these situations when it comes to my first kids.
And I'm sure there will be some to come, but maybe not like I thought.
As it is, Sawyer gets a little punky when we can't spend as much time at the pool as he'd like or when I make them play downstairs during baby naptime.  But he's getting used to it.
Savannah's disappointed when I can't come have lunch at school with her on a whim, but she understands.
They've come to expect the unknowns and the non-answers when it comes the whos and whens that might make up our family at any given time.
And honestly I think the two of them are a little closer, realizing they're on the same "team" here in this adventure.

They've begun to wrap their heads around the fact that some families look and operate a whole lot differently than ours and the simplicity and security we so often take for granted here just doesn't exist for some other kids. They really do love these little kids and want to make their little life while they're here better.
It makes my heart smile and I'm so glad they recognize why we're doing what we're doing.

It's dawned on me lately-- to think that this is part of what my kids will remember about their childhood...
these babies, these friends, these siblings that they adopt for their own -whether it's permanently in our physical family or just in our hearts-... these memories and this avenue of making a difference in someone's life, and the bigger picture...
I love that my kids are growing up with this stuff simply being a part of their story.
I hope it makes a difference in their lives too.

the latest on the rem

Three months in, I thought I'd record an update of our littlest guy and what he's all about these days.

At almost 14months old, Remy...
loves:
music
dancing
raisins
doggies
dancing
Miya days
green beans
the piano
his milk cup
sawyer's matchbox cars
pizza
dancing, dancing and dancing

did I mention he loves to dance?

does not love:
wearing shoes
bathtime
fruit
getting messy
the vacuum
the stroller
carrots
reading books

He's finally clapping, almost waving, maybe signing "all done", just started throwing a ball and getting more sure cruising the furniture up on his feet and actually picking up his feet to take steps when you help him walk.
He says doggy... "daw-daw"... but we can't get any more words out of him yet.
He just started taking a pacifier when we quit the bottles; we tried the paci earlier (because he's often so fussy and hard to console) and he would take it and hold it... maybe chew on it, but not really put it in his mouth.  As we gave up the bottles, I offered it as a substitute when we rocked before nap and bedtimes and he actually took it and sucked on it and all of a sudden loved it. (Our SJ was exactly the same way.)
He's now rather overly obsessed with it, but at least it helps him be a little happier (and a little easier to be around) at times.

We started him on some reflux meds shortly after his birthday and it's seemed to make a world of difference in his mood (and definitely the amount of stuff coming back up all day).

He's still very clingy... there are better days and not so better days.  Sometimes it seems he's cried or been sadly whining most of the day and then other days he's a relatively happy guy. And no, I can't find a pattern.  It seems we just go through cycles of a day or two where he's happy to play and explore, and content to do so without me always being right there within reach, and then there'll be a phase where I can't step outside a four foot radius of him without him losing it.
Definitely some attachment issues.  And definitely some developmental, and probably some sensory issues that stuff is directly connected to.
It's sobering to see how obvious all that stuff can be at such a young age.

He fancies our big dog, loves Savannah, cracks up at Sawyer and has a huge crush on Miya, giving her his signature "I'm gonna press my forehead on you" (rather than a hug or kiss) whenever she shows up at our house.

We're hope, hope, hoping things start coming together soon for his mama.
I know there are issues there, but it seems like from here on out, she'll have more help and (hopefully) more stability and other things that will enable her to better be the mama this boy needs.
There's a courtdate early October and we're hoping that signals the start of actual reunification and that her evaluations and requirements can be completed as needed and relatively quickly and he can be back with her soon.

fostering honesty- i could never...

This is the season of life (at least if your kids are at school in a traditional school year as we are) that we're meeting lots of new faces...  New classes, new meet & greets, new fall kick-off events, lots of new friends, lots of new parents, and if you're a mixed family like ours currently is, lots of new situations to introduce your kids (foster and non) to others and others to your present mix of a family.

Which often results in lots of questions and conversations for me.

Which is great, which I love... for so many people, orphans and foster kids aren't normally something they give much thought to and I love sparking those conversations.  I love hearing the inquiries, I love hearing the stories of friends or family members of others who might have done foster care or are maybe thinking about exploring foster care.  I never get tired of hearing it or of talking about it.  Love it.

But honestly, the one comment that still stumps me... the one that makes me stumble a bit and the one that makes me leary of whole-heartedly answering, in fear of coming off as soap-boxish... is the one question/comment that is hands down voiced most often to me;
"I don't know how you do it... the letting them go, the giving them back to their parents?"
"I could never do it... I couldn't love and care for and bond with a child for months on end and then say goodbye. I'd get too attached.  It would be too painful."

And depending on how well I know (or don't know) the person, I don't always know what to say to that.
Cuz here's the deal.
While I completely understand that reasoning; I absolutely understand the feelings behind it, and believe me I do know how hard it honestly is...
The complete bottom line answer is quite simply,
It's not about me.

It's not about my feelings.  It's not about how much I love them or how much I'll miss them or how hard it is for my kids to say goodbye to them or how I will worry for them for the rest of their lives.  It's not about how loving them and letting them go might completely stretch us or at times even feel like it might break us.  It just should not be about how hard it might be for me.

The bottom line is, it's about the kids.  It's about what they need.
How can my need desire to guard my heart, my fear of loving and having to let go, my hesitation of the unknowns... how can that trump a child's basic need for someone who is willing to offer them a bit of love and security when their world is turned upside down?

Honestly, it boggles my mind when people say "I don't know how you do that part of it", because I wonder... are we really that self-centered?
And please hear me when I say that I include myself as part of that "we"; I have the same fears and the absolute same instinct to want to avoid the pain... the same desire to just be handed a perfectly healthy, happy baby who'll stay with us forever and ever no questions asked live happily ever after...
But quite frankly, while I humanly, naturally want that, at the same time, it hurts my heart to think that our instinct to want to stop there is what is normal and perfectly acceptable in our culture.
"It seems too painful to me, so I wouldn't want to do it."
Isn't that essentially saying, It seems a little painful for me, so I don't want to help?

Because yes, of course it's hard.  Of course it hurts.
But you know what else hurts?  Way worse? And who is way less equipped to deal with and make any kind of sense of that pain?
A group of three little girls who've taken care of each other their whole short lives when their neglectful, mentally ill mother tries to kill herself, finally thrusting them into actual state custody.
Or a little boy, who's mother was murdered and who's father became clinically depressed afterward living in a fog of alcohol and drugs for way too long because of it before giving up and saying he couldn't/didn't want to parent anymore.
Or a sweet tiny baby who's the ninth in a long line of kids who's parents care about drugs and drama more than their babies.
Or a toddler who's been nothing more than collateral damage in an ugly domestic dispute.
Or a kid who's dad has to serve time in jail and has no family to turn to.
Or a baby who's mom is sick with addiction.

These kids have no choice.  They have no option to avoid the pain.  And that is real, life-changing, heart breaking -and ultimately, heart hardening- pain.
These kids get handed that; no escape, no avoidance, no choice, no "oh, sounds like it might be uncomfortable, no thanks!".

So here's what I want to say.
Before the next person tells me, “Oh, there is just no way I could ever do that, I would get too attached, it would hurt too much. I just couldn't do it...”,  I want to say this:
You could do it.
You could do it and it would hurt.
And you would cry when you have to let them go.
And you would think of them and pray for them for months and years to come.
And you would worry. You would always worry.
And... it would all be worth it.
Because I wholeheartedly believe we are given the opportunities to get to love on and know these children that God created for a purpose... He helps us love them, He helps us to attach to them, even if it's only temporarily.
Because it is what they need.
 

Because isn’t every child worth being cried over?
Isn’t every child worth the kind of love that makes it hard to say goodbye?

I believe that they are.  I believe that they all deserve at least a little bit of that.

So honestly, bottom line, that's how I can do it.

the "twins"

Regularly having 4 kids for two, three, or five days (and nights) at a time the last couple of months has often brought up the question:  So, how do you like having four kids?

and more inquisitively;
How is it suddenly -and randomly- juggling two babies at once?

I'm actually (mostly) enjoying our full house.
It's a job though, that's for sure!
It is tricky, but not as hard as I imagine it could be; this having twins that aren't quite twins.
(and yes, I've been asked if they are quite a few times, despite the 12lbs and eight teeth difference)

These kiddos are exactly six months apart at 7 and 13 months old right now.
And even though one is pretty much double the age (and size) of the other, they are developmentally closer than you might think.  One happens to be a tad behind the "norm" and the other one thinks (and has always thought) she's way older than she is.
They both just started clapping and waving and imitating and such.
They play with the same toys and like the same things.
They both eat mostly table foods (although the little one still has trouble getting it from her tray to her mouth on her own) and both sleep all night and take two naps a day.
They are both crawling and the younger is actually starting to pull up on things already, apparently trying to catch up with her bigger buddy.   

Their temperament is different as night and day though.*sigh*
It's a mighty good thing one is so, so happy and chill and laid-back.  I'd be in trouble if they were both as high maintenance as the one!

So they do wear me out.
And I suppose it might be easier if I were actually equipped for twins... if I had two highchairs or a double stroller.  Mealtimes and taking them places are where it gets the most tricky and overwhelming on my own.
Want a peek of life lately with these "twins" around??

*Sorry for the overload of "masked" pictures ahead... you know how it goes.

...and I think they're kinda cute anyway!

Ten years ago, heck, even five years ago, my one gauge of how far apart in age I wanted my kids all relied on one measure...
I didn't want to have to have two cribs in my house or two high chairs or need to have a double stroller.

And... well, um...
We currently have two cribs set up and I wish I had two highchairs and I've been catching myself perusing Craigslist for cheapo double strollers.
And these aren't even my kids.
Hmmm....

fostering honesty- remy

Honestly I have to tell you, we're just over a month in, and this little guy we have here is draining me fast.

Honestly, he is a sweet, sweet, little boy.  He can be quite the little flirt and his laugh is amazing and his one-year-old toothy grin is adorable.
Trouble is, we don't see that nearly enough...

Because just as honestly, he is incredibly needy and unhappy.
Understandably, of course, not having any idea of his previous life.
And wants someone with him (holding him) at all times.  If not, -and half the time even if you are- he's whining and crying and eventually throwing fits.

He has no words, he has no signs, he has no way that I'm seeing that he's trying to communicate with us, other than whining and crying and throwing his body around. (and he does some scary thrashing!)

And I understand that.  I'm trying to be patient and understanding and comfort his loss and give him the security he needs and give him the stability he needs and I'm trying to help give him the words he needs and be consistent with sign language and other things helping him learn to "tell" us when he's upset or needing something and I'm trying to just be with him.
But it's just so hard.
Just so draining.

Today's been better.  Yesterday was hard.  Really hard.  I had to leave the room more than once.
There were more than just his tears flowing once or twice.
But today's better.

When he first came to us, he hardly made a peep.  When he did cry, it was a soft whimper of a pathetic little cry.  Like when left alone or unhappy, his instinct was to cry but it wasn't worth it.

Now that he's (I think) comfortable with us and trusts us and has the routine and stability of our family, he's really letting it all out.

Honestly he whine/cries all of but about two hours a day.  Sometimes closer to just one.
He whine/cries during meals.
He whine/cries most of the time we're playing.
He cries/screams if you dare walk away from him.
He cries/screams in the bath.
He full on yells/cries if he doesn't want to be put down or if you don't pick him up (up, all the way up, standing up) when he wants you to.
And will throw a full on scary thrashing kicking screaming not-to-be-consoled fit if you let it escalate.
I don't know if I can accurately convey the amount of crying here.
The amount of sadness... that can turn on a dime into blind anger.

Honestly I know he just needs more.
More patience, more attention, more touch, more interaction.

But just as honestly I'm wondering if I can do it.

Seriously, yesterday half of my tears were because I don't think I can do this anymore.  And the thought of saying we can't do it, saying I can't take it, saying he needs to go somewhere else... the thought of failing this helpless little boy?  That's a horrible, horrible thought.  One that makes me cry harder.

I tell myself, it's only been a month.  It's just one of the first bumps to get over.
He'll get better. I'll get better at loving him right, it'll all get better.
(and then probably worse and then better and so on...)
But this has honestly been the longest five weeks.
And the daunting thought of this going on for the next 6-9 months (which is looking like the time frame he'll be around) or more?  Honestly overwhelming.

Whenever anyone is over or we see them at the pool or at church or out to lunch, they comment on how quiet and laid back and easygoing he is.
And it makes me want to just pull my hair out because when you leave he's not like this!  The minute the attention isn't on him, the minute everyone's focus is somewhere else, the minute he is encouraged to play independently for even a moment or eat in his highchair next to me while I make the rest of us dinner or sit in the bathtub without you in there too... he's falling apart.  He's happy when you see him because we're holding him or because you're talking to him or because he's the center of attention.  

I'm honestly kind of fearful of the kids going back to school and leaving me all alone with just me, myself and I to console and entertain Remy.  Just me and him.  All. Day. Long.
Honestly, I'm about the furthest thing from naturally being a "babywearing" attachment parenting kind of parent.  So this is hard.  For both of us.
Plus, he's not a light little guy to lug around all day. ;)

He (finally!!) has dr's appointment next week and I'm anxious to talk to the dr about a few things.  One of which being I suspect he may have some pretty good reflux going on.  So maybe recognizing and treating that will help his demeanor a little.  I hope.

Otherwise, we just forge ahead.
I know he needs this.
And I know he's worth this.


Honestly, this is where I don't know how parents do this job without leaning on Someone Else.
As overwhelmed and helpless as I feel, I can't imagine where I'd be without the promise of God's strength in this.  Seriously.

Thanks for letting me be honest.

fostering honesty- miya

If I'm going to be honest I'd have to tell you I miss baby Miya like crazy.
I miss her, I worry about her, I wonder how she is.

Honestly I miss her smiles, I miss her laugh, I miss that we don't get to see her milestones, I miss, miss, miss her.

I hate that as much as I tried to keep my heart protected, the fact that the whole situation was played as a possible adoption scenario several times, somewhere in the back of my head I unwillingly put together pictures of what it would look like to have her as our own.  Forever.  Even though I knew better.

Honestly I let myself hope that God was setting out to prove something to me... and the something I thought it was, was not what it turned out to be.  And that hurts.

Honestly sometimes I feel like (embarrassingly, because I know it's incomparable) I lost a child.  Like lost a child to death.  We had three amazing months with her and now she's gone.

And honestly sometimes I feel like having this new little guy here makes it worse... I do things with him or watch him play or snuggle him and it makes me ache with missing her.
When I'm rocking him, or singing to him, or praying with him before bed, only half of me is there in the moment with him.  The other half is acutely aware of the sadness of not being able to do that with her.  It honestly makes me sad that she's not the one sitting in the high chair in my kitchen munching on cheerios.  It makes me sad that I'm trying to teach someone else baby sign language or how to clap or wave or stack blocks and that I won't get to teach her and watch her learn these things.  It makes me sad to plan a first birthday party and know we won't get to be a part of hers.

And honestly I worry about her.  Oh, how I worry about her.
I try not to.  I try to trust in the knowledge that God's got this.  He's got her.
But still I worry for her.

The kids ask about her.  They miss her too.
They still ask if we can see her, they point out things she'd like, ask if we can buy things for her.

I don't know if it's because she was our "first".  I don't know if it's because her name was just one letter away from the name we have had picked out for the past six years for if we ever got to name an adopted daughter.  Or that her mom's last name was the same as ours minus the ending.  Or if it's because she fit so perfectly into our little family.  I don't know if it's because I on some level let my heart believe she was meant to be ours.
But I think about her and miss her every single day.

If I'm totally honest I must admit too that I'm a little angry.
I'm a little angry at God for not going through with the plan "I" thought he had for us.
I'm a little angry at the judge for granting custody to the "other woman"; a mother with two teenagers and who works two jobs and travels overnight out of town for one of them.
I'm a little angry that we put in the hard work for three months just to hand her over, not back to her parents or grandparent -which was originally the plan- but to this "friend" of the family for her to raise her and adopt her herself.
I'm a little angry that we're not the ones getting to adopt her.
I'm a little angry that the "other woman" claimed to know I how feel, having done foster care in the past, and empathized and promised to stay in touch and send pictures and wanted Miya to still know us as much as we wanted her to... and then hasn't been in touch at all in the past six weeks.
Yes, I'm a little angry.

But mostly I just miss her.
And worry.

I know if she isn't the daughter God has for us, then there's a different plan for us.  And for her.

But I still miss her.
And I still mourn the fact that we don't get to be her family.

If I'm being totally honest.




***
edited to add:
I wrote this post yesterday in a teary-eyed vent.  I do want to be as honest as I can be about the process and the feelings wrapped up in doing foster care.  I didn't publish right away because I wanted to get out of the emotion I was in at the moment and be sure I really wanted to vulnerably share, which I do.

But now I should tell you that while feeling better after my little vent and some prayer,
the phone rang last evening.
Coincidentally, it was Miya's guardian, the "other woman".
She was calling to ask if I could watch Miya all day one day this week while she works.

I honestly hesitated; the last (only) time I visited them, taking some extra things over there the very first week Miya left, I departed with very mixed emotions.  Some things I was relieved about after having seen their home and talking more, but then there were other things I was worried more about having seen them in action.

Ultimately I (of course) agreed to take her this week.  If I said no, it would only be to protect my heart.  Selfishly.
Because in my head I know I want to choose to be involved with their family as much as they'll allow.  To keep tabs on them so to speak, as well as to be whatever support/advice/mentor might help her parent that little girl better.


All that above up there?  That's still how I felt (feel?).
So it's completely bittersweet that we get to spend another day with Miya's sweet smiles this week.  I am thankful that God granted me this little Miya "fix" when I was so, so frustratingly sad about it all yesterday.

And we'll just see where it goes from here...

Thanks for letting me be honest.

remy

After not quite two weeks on our own, we have a new friend -a little boy who I'll blogname "Remy"- who came to stay with us late Saturday night.

We had been camping out as a family in the family room all weekend, and had given the a/c a break from cooling our upper level, but upon learning we'd have a visitor joining us and not knowing how the rest of our night would go, we quick scrambled to crank the air back down so he and I could sleep up in our bedroom.

We got the call at about 9:30 and he arrived at about 10:30... with absolutely nothing.  The DCS worker had to go buy him a carseat... apparently the one that they were given with him was "unusable".
He had been at the hospital all day (arrived there when mom was admitted and was subsequently admitted himself just for a thorough once over) and they sent him off with a disposable bottle of juice, graham crackers, a (pink) newborn soothie/pacifier, and two diapers. He was wearing nothing but a filthy pajama top and a diaper.

So that was it.
We gave him a bath (good thing it was so warm; we just had him sleep in a diaper. our tubs of baby clothes were somewhat inaccessible in the 586°-after-a-108°-day-attic storage!), a bottle of formula (also good thing I hadn't passed on the extra container of Miya's I found in the back of the cupboard last week), and plenty of snuggles before laying him down for the night.
He actually slept well, only whimpering a bit at about 2am, and going back to sleep after a little comforting.

And here we are a family of five again for now.

I know nothing about his case. Nothing. Other than a suggestion of why mom was hospitalized.
Since it was the weekend, the case worker who brought him was an on-call
"investigator", not the case worker who will be handling him.  I still haven't heard from his actual case worker... apparently he was in court meetings all day yesterday and I'm hoping he'll be in touch today.
And I assume DCS offices and courts are closed tomorrow due to the holiday.  So who knows how long it'll take to even begin to get things sorted out and know which way is up with this little one.

In the meantime, we're just trying to love this guy up.

He's a handful.  A cutie, but a handful.

He'll be 11 months old the end of this week.
He crawls, but slowly and unsteadily.  He pulls himself up, but the same.
Judging from the sadly misshapen noggin he's got going on (seriously bad you guys. completely flat in the back & towards one side, causing a bulge on the other side... and the bulging is so bad his face is lopsided and his eyes are out of alignment and one ear is a full half inch below the other) it seems he has probably spent most of his time left in a carseat/swing/crib or such.  If he's sticking around here for any length of time I'm going to do all I can to see about getting him some help for that... a helmet or whatever they can do to help reshape his head.  He's almost a year old and I know this is about when their skulls really start to fuse and harden for good, so he's probably running out of time for (hopefully)less invasive action to try and correct this.

But this kid has a beautiful smile and adorable dimples.
It took us a long while to coax those out of him, but now we know they're there!!

He won't eat from a spoon... he eats fingerfoods, but he has trouble pincer grasping and it's slow and hit or miss on actually ingesting food if he's doing it himself.  He'll eat a ton if I feed him.  But remember how I said he won't eat from a spoon?  Yeah, so I have to finger feed him to really get anything in him.  Last night for example, he ate a whole piece of chicken, a big handful of green beans, and probably a dozen potato fries.  All diced up and almost all put into his mouth a bite at a time by me.  By hand.  And by hand I mean by fingers.  He also ate a whole bowl of cottage cheese... once I ditched the spoon and just scooped it into his mouth with my fingers as best I could. Yes, seriously.  He refuses to let you put a spoon or a fork near his mouth, even when it obviously has the very thing he's been wolfing down, and loving, by hand.  It's not a matter of him wanting the independence and "me do it" of  a typical finger-food baby... because he's more than happy to let you help him get the food in his mouth.  Just not with utensils.  And if you try and "force feed" him with the spoon?  FREAK OUT.

He also freaks out when you put him in the crib.  Angry thrashing.  Not necessarily even a separation thing... he's just crazy angry. But once I can get him calmed and convinced our crib is not an evil place (takes about 30 minutes to get him to lay down quietly) he actually falls asleep quickly and he's been sleeping great and waking up happy.

He's very clingy.
Which, I think in the foster care world, is a good thing.  Rather than detached and not needing or caring about those bonds, you know?
When I hold him he hangs on the whole time... like a bigger hug than I've ever seen from a baby.  Along the lines of hanging on for dear life.  It's nice; the hugs and snuggles make me smile.  As long as I don't think too hard about why he's so desperate for and clinging to that touch from us.

Luckily, he's not too incredibly picky on whether it's me or Ryan who's holding him or immediately next to him.  It's obvious he prefers me (from the get go... much more eager to hang on to the "mommy") but he'll let Ryan take him when needed.  He's clingy though... I've rarely left the room without him otherwise he starts in on his sad little whimper cry.  I don't mind... I want him to feel secure and I want him to bond.  But it does make for long days.
Thankfully, like I said, he's a good (read: long) napper too. :)

We have bought him a few essentials so far... some new pj's and a couple of t's and such (most of our boy summer stuff is too big -24m- or too small -6-12m- for him because he's a solid little tank of a boy for an almost one year old).
I also picked up this little elephant "lovey" for him... he doesn't take a pacifier or have a blankie or anything (that we know of) so I wanted something he could adopt as his own security/comfort thing of sorts.  So far he likes it.
The kids claim it's perfect and like giving a part of each of them... because SJ loves and has elephant everything and Sawyer's special "lovey" is a frog head/blanket thing of the same style. "It's like we're giving him the favorite parts of us!" Savannah said.


This is my favorite part and the real part I hope he gets from us:
the word stitched on this little tag on the bottom...

not my favorite day

Letting go today.
It's hard.

It's even harder with running on only three hours of sleep.
Our last day with our baby girl was spent in airports and on planes... including being stuck in Houston last night due to storms from about 6pm to 1am.  Lovely.
But guardianship was granted to change over yesterday (as soon as we were back from our trip), so bright and early today we had to let go.

I'm not saying we said goodbye, because I have hopes we'll see her again.  Her new guardian (a friend of her family's... I forget if I've covered that here) said she's having pictures taken and she wanted to give some to us.  And also keep in touch.  I hope she means it.  We'd love to see glimpses of this little girlie grow up.

I'm sure I'll share more thoughts later.  As I process.  And after I sleep.
Too many tears today.

fried, er, friday

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today.  I feel like it's been a long week.
We had Miya's perm plan meeting yesterday and I'm... confused.  Anxious.  Didn't sleep well with so many thoughts running through my head.  It was kind of a relief having to get up with Miya at 2am, just to not have to think about things try to sleep for awhile.  So I'm tired too.

I just want to say I hate the Not Knowing.
I mean, I know that 99% of foster care is not knowing, but I'm hating the have no idea what will happen until this date.  Then we'll know something.  But then really still it's all up in the air again until this later date.  We'll have a plan then.  Wait, no, now this date.  And so on and so forth.
I feel like I'd be okay with the long term, the who knows if she'll end up back with Dad or with us, take it month by month with progress being made or not made either way.  If we could just get to that.  It's the oh, come back and find out next week if you'll be the one to keep her through all this or if this random family member will take over... oh wait, here's another family "member" (seriously, how many "cousins" can there be??) we have to wait and see if they can take her and repeat a half dozen times.  That's the stuff that's playing with my head.  It's like, just get on with it already!

I have a lot of thoughts I can't share here.
And a lot of prayers.  Some very self righteous and angry.  Some very humble and surrendering.
Like I said, confused.

It doesn't help that it's a gray, cloudy morning and I'm wishing the sun would come out, but we're waiting for thunderstorms this afternoon.
And we have a busy weekend on tap... baseball tonight (pending rain), softball and baseball tomorrow morning (again, depending on rain), house guests overnight Saturday and then a birthday party to go to on Sunday.  Plus a hundred other things we'd like to get done in between of course.
And I just feel exhausted.  Emotionally and physically.


I'm going to quit rambling about nothing now and get in the shower.
I'm off to a lunch with my husband and this cute little bundle of baby I have here for now and to get on with our weekend.  Hoping a lunch date will cheer me up. ;)
Happy Friday.

still here

Quick update for those following along closely...
Baby girl is still here with us.  I packed up much of her stuff to take with us yesterday to court just in case... but the judge denied the kinship placement so she's still ours for now.
I'm thinking this relative might still try to make some (long term) changes and try for guardianship again later down the road, but we'll see.

In the meantime (and I don't know if this might be more information than I should share, but for those interested in the details of how the foster and court systems might work -both logistically and more emotionally- I do want to shed a little more light on the situation while still keeping the details and participants anonymous),
it was also ruled yesterday that the goal for her brothers is no longer reunification, but has changed to adoption and the process of termination of parental rights has been started.  And Dad was told in no uncertain terms that though the baby is a separate case, and though in essence he has been given a second chance with her being that she just came into care, given the family history with DCS, time is of the essence with this baby girl and if he wants to get his act together and father this child he needs to show that now.  The judge was adamant that this will not drag on with her as it has with the boys and she (the judge) will not be dealing with this two years from now this time around.
The judge was awesome. She struck a beautiful balance between putting Dad in his place (he can get a little mouthy), respecting his place and feelings in the situation, and laying out the facts.  She was up front about the priority here and urged him in a grave manner to really look within himself and figure out where he's at in his life, where he wants to be, what he is capable of and more importantly- what he wants to be capable of, and to truly, truly try to picture what is best for all of his children.  And to go from there and do what needs to be done.

So.
We have a permanency plan meeting scheduled for later this week, which will spell out exactly what Dad needs to be doing, including a time frame, to work toward having his baby back with him.
As for now, we're her foster family -resource family as the state likes to call us now- and she's with us for the ride.
I'm so glad we get to love her through this. ♥

*****
Please continue prayers for this situation.  And for Dad.  He had a rough day yesterday. 
And for Miya's brothers... they've been in the same pre-adoptive foster home for most of this two years and are doing well, but they were in the courtroom yesterday with us and it was visibly hard for them.  They're at an age where they're old enough to understand everything (probably too much) but young enough that it's still really really hard and confusing and hurtful.  Please pray for their foster mama, that she knows how to best love them through this too.

gray area

Don't know if you've been in the market for baby clothes recently or not, but I keep stumbling on a new, unexpected problem...
I didn't realize how seemingly 99.9% of all infant clothing these days are decorated with words.
And 99% of those words are about mommies and daddies.
Never noticed?  Didn't care? 

Well, now that we're in this foster care world, it's constantly sticking out to me like a sore thumb and it's surprisingly hard for me to find clothes for this tiny babe that are neutral in this area.  Apparently clothes with words and funny sayings are more prevalent now than when I last bought baby clothes six years ago.
It's not just slogans and sayings like "50% Mommy + 50% Daddy = CUTE!" or whole t-shirt things like that... it's also a cute little polka dot outfit with simply a tiny little bug or cupcake or penguin on the chest with a little tag stitched under it saying "i love mommy", "mommy loves me" or "my dad's cool".

And while I have no doubt that this little girlie we have here has a mother and a father who really do love her, it's a little... awkward(?) to have that splayed across her clothes right now.
I'm not quite her mama, but yet her own mother has not seen her since she was two days old.
And I'm not comfortable "labeling" her as "daddy's girl" or putting words in her mouth, so to speak, about how her "dad rocks" or that her dad is cool, when frankly her father's behavior is anything but cool right now.

One of the first things I bought when Miya first came to us was a three pack of cute little onesies bundled together; one has polka dots (I fell for the 'hug me' on it!)(a rare, non-mommy/daddy worded one!!), one is covered with little elephants, and one says "i love my mommy"...

...the first two have gotten lots of use and I so far have left the i love mommy one on the hanger.  

Because I don't quite know what to do with this gray area right now.

*****
Our Resource Parent Support worker came over for a visit today and she called me Miya's mommy.
She was holding her and talking right to baby Miya about how lucky she was to have a big sister and brother here to love her. And when Miya got fussy a bit later on she handed her over to me saying she must be ready for her mommy to hold her again.
That really threw me off.
I know I'm her foster mom, but I haven't really let myself think of myself as "mommy".  Or refer to the other kids in any way as her siblings.  I have referred to Ryan, speaking to Miya, as The Daddy... but it was THE Daddy- as in, he's the dad around here, not a more personal, attached, Daddy.

Three weeks in and I tell her all the time how pretty she is, how special she is, how glad we are that she's with us and I tell her many, many times that I love her.
But I don't tell her I'm here to stand in for her as Mommy.
I just can't voice that yet.
With us not knowing what her permanency plan is yet, I just haven't let myself go there.  And I've felt rather lucky that she's young enough that we haven't necessarily had to label things yet as far as what she should call us, you know?

Honestly I just can't wait to get to the next court date and [hopefully] finally know whether we get to love on this girl for only a matter of a few days longer or if it will be months.
And y'all probably don't have to guess which it is I'm hoping for. ;)

you can't know

{I've decided to journal as much of everything of the foster care process as I can... and of course the mess of feelings that go along with it.   I know in all of my research/preparing and on through the journey I can't get enough of other people's experiences so I want to put as much as I can out there as well.  I contemplated a separate place for that, but this is all a part of our everyday life here, so here it is, thrown in with the rest of my rambling...}

That's the one thing that was playing in my head all through our state training, all through the phenomenal conference we went to last fall, all through these months of preparations, and most definitely all through the evening yesterday:  You just can't know.
When it comes to this crazy world of Foster Care and Adoption and how we will navigate this as a family and how our home functions as we open it up to the unknowns and what God will bring to our plate... we can't know.  Any of it.  How bad could it be?  How good could it be?  Which child is right for us?  Which child(ren) are we the right place for?  Where do those two align?  It's impossible to think about.  So many things we just can't know 'til we get there.

Add one more to the list...
I've also realized I couldn't know how that first placement call would go and how I would feel about it.

We were notified of our approval late on Friday.  Our home was officially open for Foster Care placements.
Monday I got a call.
Fast, much??

We have specified that we would take any race, any status (re: parental rights and permanency plans) and either gender preferably under the age of 6 (trying to maintain the birthorder already in our home) with very few red flag situations that we would turn down right off the bat (for the safety of our family).  We are also in consideration of  sibling groups of two or three and an exception to our age parameters might be made there...  Meaning, we would consider, say, a ten year old connected to a preschooler and/or infant, etc.

So the call Monday was for three girls coming into care.  Three of five girls actually, ages 3 to 11.  The three-year-old had some major physical needs and they had already found a place for her and a six-year-old sister together.   Because they weren't even attempting to find someone willing to take five girls together, the youngest of which has special needs.  So that left a seven-year-old, an eight-year-old and an eleven-year-old and they were hoping we might take them.
 
Our first thought was "three kids... to start with??".  We don't know what we're doing here and they're throwing three kids at us?!!  And three that are as old and older than our kids at that.
But still, we talked it over a bit, discussed and I prayed about it (for the all of 15 minutes in between caseworkers' phonecalls!).
 
I ended up telling the caseworker no; that starting out with three made us a little leery and the fact that they were all older than our parameters had me hesitating and we would have to pass on this situation for now.

But when I hung up I felt torn.  Honestly I felt horrible.
Did I really just do that?  How can we possibly turn kids away??  Just because that situation would fill up our house and our car and our table immediately, no easing into things?  Or just because they're older and maybe not as cute and unscarred as a baby might be?  Just because it isn't what we "wanted" and it might be a crazy hard way to start out this foster care adventure or it might not be "convenient" for us this week?  Just because I have a hard time picturing us being open to the possibility of adopting three pre-tweens at this point in our life, and simply don't want to be the first of many homes to shuffle them around since who knows what will come of it? 

No matter how I tried to word it; the situation wasn't for us... we didn't feel comfortable with it... the situation didn't fit our parameters... it just wasn't right for us... what stuck out to me, and what I was most convicted with, is that it all comes back to US, WE, OUR, US.  Did you see those words in those sentences??
And how selfish is that?
There are five girls taken away from their mother's care, in a situation completely out of everyone's control, having to be separated from each other on top of that and feeling completely scared and lost.
And I basically said we just don't want to help.

*****

I prayed for them all last night.  All night.
We chose not to take them in and I believe, in the end, that was what we were supposed to do.
I'm choosing to believe that God had a different family prepared for them last night and that these girls will be as safe and stable as they can possibly be in this situation.  I have to believe that.  And pray for that.

But in saying no to that placement, the Lord broke a little bit of my heart last night for these girls that I don't know, and prompted me to change the way I look at this process.
He's reminded me that -hello!- this is not about us.  This isn't about who we "want".  This isn't about how these kids will fit into our family.  I'll let God take care of that; and trusting that He'll change our hearts or change our routines or change our whole little world to accommodate things that might look different than the picture in our heads if need be.
What this is about is the kids.  It's about how we can be there for the kids.  Kids who need a family to be there to support and love them in that moment.  In whatever way we can.  And that as long as we CAN, we are called to do so.  Even if I can't quite see what that looks like on this side of things.

That is not to say we'll take in anyone they put in front of us... obviously we have parameters that need to still be in place.
But I do know that I'll be looking at it from more of a truly "are we able to be there for this child?" mindset the next time I get a call rather than a "does this work for us right now/does this fit our guidelines?" view. 
Because yes, it has to be good for our existing family... it needs to be right and it needs to be doable and I'm not going to completely disrupt and derail our lives intentionally for something that's not going to be good for anybody.
But.  With that said, I do have to remember that it's okay to be uncomfortable... it's okay for us to be inconvenienced and challenged and stretched.
It's worth it for those kids.
A little bit of stability for them should be worth a rough or crazy week for us.
A little peace of mind for them should be worth the inconvenience for us.
Offering hope and what respite we can in their bleak situation -and a hug if they'll take it-, should be more than worth a little extra stress in our lives.
We can handle it.
Scratch that- God can handle it.