august 2011

I've been asked a few times recently how I'm feeling about my youngest starting school. The inquiries have run the gamut from how am I dealing with my baby starting kindergarten... how am I shifting my identity as a stay-at-home mom of young kids to a stay-at -home mom w/ all her kids in school... to what am I going to do with days to myself? Am I going to look for a job? Pick up a new hobby? Go back to school myself?

And I don't really have any answers to these questions.
I am completely at a loss of how to respond.

You see, in my mind? This isn't where I'm supposed to be.

Two kids? That's not it for us.
The fact that there are no more babies or toddlers or preschoolers in the house? Hasn't even crossed my mind.
You see, there are still more coming.
I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I'm not completely done with this mom-of-little-ones season.

From the get-go our family has operated under the assumption that we'd have more kids than the two we have -whether they be adopted or through foster care- that we'd have more children filling up the rooms of this house. Or, as the Amazing Katie coined the phrase; filling up our couch.

A little over three years ago, we had a glimpse of an opportunity to take a step in that. And even though that situation turned out differently than hoped, it whetted our appetite big time and by two years ago we were again ready to take steps in that direction, being licensed for foster care.

Then came a job upheaval, an incredibly drawn-out uprooting and moving to a new state and a long-a$ time of gettting settled and stable here.
And now here we are.
And both of my kids are headed off to school next week.

And all of a sudden, I'm going to be left here all day with an empty couch.

As this realization hits, I have to be honest; I am kind of in mourning.
Not so much about my baby going to kindergarten. Not really about my little ones growing up and taking on new seasons of life, but about the fact that I have no little ones here right now. About how the past couple of years have gotten away from us and whether it was out of our control or solely our own dropping of the ball, we are not actually any further from square one in adding to our family than we were three or four years ago.
Oddly, I find myself mourning whoever it is we might have had as a part of our family if things had been different... who we might be as a family these days if things like fear or hesitation or procrastination or moving hadn't been in the way. And I'm mourning this ideal time line of mine that I somehow let veer off track.

I have to remind myself of the fact that God knew how things would go from the beginning and even though it may have been MY plan to have another little one or two by now, He knows who and when is best for all of us and will put it together in His time.
It's just our job to be looking for the direction and the means and the obedience by which this will all (eventually) come about. Turns out that's not the easiest job.

I guess what it boils down to is when I think about this coming fall (Fall?!? Fall won't be here for another couple of months... school starts next week!!) it hadn't fully dawned on me that after the blur of the last couple of crazy years we've had, we're here already: No little ones in our house and I'll soon have seven or so childless hours to do something else with each day.

I wasn't prepared to have this "freedom" this soon.

So how do I feel about my baby going off to school?
Well, I'll tell you.
In my mind, this is just an unscheduled break in the routine.
And I fully plan on investing my "free time" in working on getting this couch filled.

prayers are appreciated :)