Wednesday, April 28, 2010


What a difference 24 hours makes.

Last night I went to bed writing a blog post in my head.
I decided it was finally time to quit the surfacey complaining and the divulging of discouraging bits and pieces of what's been going on in my soul the last few weeks and then countering them with happier, upbeat, everything's looking brighter posts.
It was time to do an all out depression post.

How I'm seriously There. Seriously stuck and sliding into that bleak black abyss of what I know and dread to be a long road out.

How if I'm honest, I know that I was headed that way before all of this job and moving stuff came up and at first all of that was actually a nice distraction from the state of my head and my emotions. But by now the worry and the stress and the unknown combined with the being separated and having that disconnect from one of my biggest foundations and support (aka my husband)... it's all just overwhelmed and added fuel to the fire.

I was going to write about how I can see to the other side... I can see that my life is good and I know that am so lucky and so blessed and these silly little obstacles and unknowns right now are all going to be just fine, we'll be just fine, that I'm not a failure, that God really does know what he's doing, and I know I should have the faith to believe that -that I DO believe that, really...
But there's a huge chasm there, separating me from that.
There's a disconnect there that is very much my telltale sign of depression.
Disconnected is really the best word for it. Feeling so far removed from all that I know in my heart to be true.
And I just can't. make it. back.

I was going to write about all of that. Lots about all of that.
And there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
It was going to be just a depressing post about depression.

And then this morning the sun came out.

It literally came out and I went for a really long walk, had a really good prayer time, had a really good Bible study with two girlfriends, got a surprise offer and answer to an unrealized prayer, and had a great planning meeting and fellowship this evening with my fellow MOPS team girls (a grown up meeting, without kids around!)... and I feel like a different person.

It doesn't seem to matter that it was one of the busiest, most hectic days we've had in a long time (I feel like we were only home for about an hour today from about 8:30 this morning 'til 8:30 tonight) in between a dozen different things, going a million directions at once... it doesn't matter that this little baby that hangs out here was the crabbiest, cryingest I've ever seen him in the nine months I've known him, or that my kids are still the same kids who bug each other and can drive me batty... it doesn't matter that our house still hasn't sold or that we aren't even close to finding the right house for us down there or that there's no end in sight for this situation.

I talked just enough and shared just enough and cried just enough and prayed enough today that it feels like I finally shed a little bit of that darkness that I've been trying to ignore.

Maybe it's just that I finally acknowledged it and faced it and by doing that took away some of it's power.
Not that those feelings are gone- they're just not so consuming and oppressive and shaming.

And this little bit of feeling better doesn't feel like the past random "manic" days I've had lately where I'm just trying to "act" positive and happy and ignore those negative feelings...
I feel, for the first time in a long time, that I can swim through them and get little breaths of peace and real happiness... that I'm not going to drown.
That I'm not just going through the motions, but today I'm breathing.

I'm sure there will still be plenty of ups and downs. I'm not naive enough to believe I'm completely on my way out of this yet. Maybe that depression post is still to come. Maybe I'll need to do more acknowledging and facing and analyzing and maybe writing will be the way for me to do it.

But for now, for today, I just want to dwell in the grace of Jesus, in the prayers of friends and family, and in the hope of what's to come, trusting -for real!- that I'm going to be okay.

We'll see where I'm at in the next 24 hours :)

(Although if I were to take a guess; 24 hours from now we'll be looking at Friday and that's always good!)

This has been one of my favorite and most held fast truths of the Bible for years and years...
"For I know the thoughts that I am thinking toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of calamity, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11


Nicole said...

:) This post makes me smile.

Nicole said...

Ok, not that you were on the verge of a breakdown... but that you are seeing the light on the other side... I guess I should have specified that :) You have portrayed your emotions so well in written words. I love when I wake up and just feel like... things are different... there is hope, a good outlook. :) I hope today is a good day for you, too!

jenny said...

hoping every day gets brighter for you. there is so much on your plate, it has to be easy to find yourself slipping into that place. glad you shared and found a ray of sunshine to help you out. take care!

Anonymous said...

Keep holding on to that hope.
Amie R.

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