here we go again

So I was ready to buckle down and (finally) post Sawyer's birthday pics and party stuff tonight, and I could fake it and go ahead with that fun and cheery post, but I'm not.
I'm not up for smiles and happy birthday business when all I have is other stuff in my brain.

As of this morning and the announcements and meetings that met Ryan at work today, we are officially back in the same spot we were two and a half years ago when the job we moved for then was pulled out from under him. Not quite such the shocker this time, but a bit unnerving all the same.

Unnerving, not only in the sense of uh, what are we going to do?!?, but in the fact that I really don't want to have to move again.

I've always been the type to move easily... I like new places, I'm open to change, I find new journeys exciting and appealing. Hence the reason I've moved 14 times in six different cities (three different states) in the past 16 years. Yeah, move much?

But this time?
I want to stay. I like it here. We like it here. We have real friends, we have great schools, the kids have awesome opportunities here, we have a house we love in an incredible neighborhood, this weather -all of it- is perfect for our taste, I could go on and on. I'm not ready to let go of this yet. I want more time.

We knew this was a possibility. I think we didn't want to believe it.
I did have that frame of mind for a long time... I didn't necessarily think of this as very long term. Ever since we moved here, every time we would pick a paint color or would fix something up or do some new decorating, I would honestly look at it as what would potential home buyers think of this?... would this be something appealing on the market?... is this good for when we'll have to sell the house?...
I think this kitchen redo we did this summer was the very first time I've looked at a change or an improvement in our house as something we did for us. Something just for us. Something improving our house for our own enjoyment, who cares what anyone else would think because gosh darnit, we're going to live here and enjoy it.
It's only that recently that I stopped looking at my house through the eyes of a realtor or the possibility of having to sell our house soon, and was just able to see it as ours indefinitely.

Joke's on me.

That's not to say we're moving for sure.
We'll be done with this job, that's the only for sure.
Basically, we don't have a clue what's next. Decisions and announcements have been made, but there's a lot still up in the air. How long do we have, what roads do we take?
It's a bit overwhelming.

So much so that I just want to bury my head and ignore it all and just listen to the "we're going to stay here, we're going to stay here" looping over and over with fingers crossed in my head.

Prayers please.