Friday, May 29, 2009

friday thoughts

Savannah's last day of school this year will be Monday.
Which means this is my second to last day with just one kid all morning. The second to the last day that I get this one on one time with my boy regularly.

While I think Savannah finishing a year of kindergarten and moving on to real, full-time school in the first grade next year is a huge (she'll be gone seven hours a day!)(and eat lunch at school)(and be in first grade!)(how did that happen and where did my baby girl go???) milestone, I'm not that emotional about it. Several people have asked me if I'm having a hard time with it; if I feel like moving on to first grade is the end of an "era" and a big letting go thing and if I'll be emotional about it, especially next fall. The answer is no, not really. I've never been one to get emotional about "letting my kids go" with tears on my part dropping them off on their first day. They love experiencing new things and I love watching them branch out and take in those experiences. Like school... Yes, I wonder every day where the time goes and how on earth did I end up with a six-year-old already when I swear she was just napping in her crib yesterday... but Savannah absolutely loves school. We are in a great district and are involved in a wonderful elementary school, we loved Savannah's teacher this year and honestly could not have asked for a better first year. As much as she loved her year of kindergarten, she is very much looking forward to what first grade holds in store for her and taking this next big step. I'm so proud of her and instead of being sad or emotional about it, I love that I get to watch her be proud of herself. I love that.

What I am strangely emotional about is losing this time I have each week with Sawyer. Not really sad I guess, just that I'm definitely going to be missing it. When Savannah started preschool, then kindergarten, and thinking ahead to next year, sure I was miss her and often miss those few hours a week with her, but I knew/know she was/is doing something, moving on to something, and I could/can be happy and excited for her. Plus, let's face it; I had another kid at home to keep me busy.
But all this one on one time most mornings with Sawyer for this past school year has been just really nice. And he's not moving on to anything new yet... I just suddenly have to share him (and myself) every day now. Not that he'll notice- he'll be thrilled to have his sister around to play whenever he wants and we'll be plenty busy with fun summertime stuff and hangin' at the pool all in between.

The realization I've come to over the last few weeks is that it's almost like I know Sawyer like I didn't know Savannah. It hits me almost every day how much I genuinely enjoy this kid and his personality and I'm having so much fun being his mom. And it takes me by surprise almost every time I think that. Not that I don't enjoy my kids in general, but I didn't get the consistent times to hang out with Savannah this way when she was this age.
I know she was every bit as cute and funny and witty and eager and sweet as Sawyer is... I just wasn't as free to appreciate it then as I have been the last few months with Sawyer. I had a newborn who morphed into a baby to chase around alongside her. The first four years of her life I also had a lot of Moving to keep me busy and preoccupied. Once a year to be precise, two of those across the country.

This is one of those times where I am so thankful I started blogging. Because Savannah was three three years ago and I don't remember everything that I want to. I didn't relish in it and cherish it like I should have. I'm so glad I wrote so much down, documented the funny things she'd say or the drawings she'd make or the struggles and victories we had parenting a three-year-old. It goes so fast, it really does. Especially faster when you're so busy with life.

So I feel like we're in a relatively calm part of life right now (knock on wood). We're not moving around, we've got a good balance of life busyness going. I don't feel like I'm documenting as much of Sawyer's antics as I did with Savannah... but I think that's because I'm appreciating it more in the here and now. I still want to write more; I want to have those written memories to look back on years from now. But I've been thoroughly enjoying having my baby boy all to myself.

It's funny how it seems to even out... I remember thinking months (years?) ago during a grocery trip with just me and Sawyer; while it was usually done with both kids- trying to juggle the shopping with keeping them both entertained and not whining and not fighting and just trying to hurry out of there- it was actually fun to go with just Sawyer. It suddenly hit me and reminded me of how many times I'd enjoyed shopping with Savannah when she was the only one (I was a secret shopper for grocery stores for a couple of years when she was little) and I felt a little guilty that I'd never thought to just take Sawyer and have the time to talk to him, to sing with him walking down the aisles, to let him have me all to himself.
How much guilt comes with the second and subsequent children about Mommy time and attention and energy???
And here I'm seeing the other side of it... it's almost gone the other way to where I get a couple of years with some Sawyer time to myself while Savannah's in school and it's at an age where I never had Savannah all to myself. Ironically, I felt often I didn't treasure Sawyer's baby time as much because I had a toddler to keep me busy and how that wasn't "fair" because I enjoyed Savannah's baby months so much and with Sawyer it seemed it flew by and I barely remember... now I realize I missed out some on Savannah's toddler/preschool age at the same time and am now experiencing being able to focus on Sawyer at this age like I wasn't fully able to having an infant around when Savannah was this age.

It almost makes me not want to throw another kid into the mix... how does that even out?? It'd be a whole new set of what comes around goes around. But I know it'll so be worth it and it'll work out to be the perfect timing for us and whoever comes along into our family. I can't wait to see who and when that is. I've been feeling anxious the past six months or so that I wanted to adopt another by now, that Sawyer is getting so old and so big and I was hoping to have already had another baby around by now.
But so I'm grateful for this time I did have to really experience my little boy for awhile :)


Mom said...

Lot's of thoughts after reading your post. Especially how hard it was dividing my time between you 4 girls growing up. But your kids;my grandkids...there is such a special tender spot in my heart for them.I cherish our visits;to get to know them at each stage of their development into the delightful "little people" that they are. I look forward eagerly to the next time we see you all.Just 2 more months... Oh and HAPPY 7th ANNIVERSARY tomorrow!!! Celebrate!! Love YOU!!! XOXOXOX

Hot Deals said...

every one love their kids, me too love my kids whenever i see them laughing i feel totally relaxed mind.
anyway good post!!

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