Sunday, October 28, 2007

one more

one more word on this mom stuff and then I'll drop it.

I have to say that it was pretty scary to realize a lot of what I wrote and to put it out here for the whole world to see. It was hard to say what I was really feeling. And I still don't even know if it came across the way I wanted it too. After writing it and then after feeling like Nicole misunderstood my added thoughts to what she had to say, I tried again. I wanted to be sure everyone understood I was in no way trying to twist any of what Nic was saying, other than to reflect on it for myself. But then once again, I was left with wondering if I made any sense, or if anyone could relate to what I said or if I was coming across the wrong way. Sometimes I can't get things to come out right.

I felt very alone in what I was writing. Whether it's like what Nicole was saying about how so many moms feel like they have to have up this perfect facade... or whether everyone is just a lot happier with they way they parent, I'm just not sure if anyone else has been where I am. I think some of it might have to do with the fact that I am older than the majority of my friends and many of them have just babies or toddlers or only one. Like I said before, three years ago this conversation wouldn't be happening. I wouldn't have had to say any of what I've said over the last few days. I don't know what the difference between then and now really is... another kid? older kids? personality? is this something everyone experiences or am I just a truly lazy mom?

After thinking about this (probably way too much) yesterday, I went to bed feeling a little heavy. When I first wrote about the changes I wanted to make and about being more intentional and engaged with my kids, I was feeling empowered and uplifted and encouraged about most of this. But by the end of the day yesterday after trying to explain myself again, I was doubting myself and again judging myself and feeling like I was alone in this struggle. Silly me, putting all this crap out there for the whole world to read, blabbing about my weaknesses, and what must they think of me.

Well, all of this to say, I woke up this morning to find my Aunt Jessica had read what I had written. She read it and she got it. And simply by sharing her thoughts, and saying that she could relate to what I was feeling... that was a huge weight off my back.

Now, I'm not saying that I was thinking, "whaaah... poor me, I spilled my guts and no one cares... no one understands". It's just that honestly until I read Jessica's comment for me, and then her post, I didn't realize how alone I felt in this. Go read what she wrote about what she's been experiencing lately. Such simple stuff, but such sure examples of what I've been trying to say. Most of you don't know her, but she is an awesome mom and she has amazing kids. To read what she wrote and feel like she could have taken the words right out of my mouth was a huge sigh of relief for me. I am not alone in these feelings or this phase of motherhood.

So I just wanted to say thanks, Jessica. Thank you for your openness and your encouragement and the example you are as a mom.

And thanks to everyone else for bearing with me on weeks like this where this blog is more of my personal journal than what should be a public display of our day to day life. I'll try to keep it light around here for awhile!


K.M. Laughlin said...

I always like how you are so makes me want to do more of that on my blog. I really didn't have anything valuable to say about wanting to be a better mom since I'm not one yet...BUT it will be nice when we do have kiddos to know that I am not alone. You ARE a great mom and have great kiddos! I am lucky to call you my friend! :)

Annie said...

Hi Heather, I'm a little behind on this, but wanted you to know I really admire your openness about the areas you feel you'd like to improve. I think just the fact that you are so concerned with being a good mom shows how much thought and care you put into your parenting. I've always thought your kids are blessed to have such a creative, laid-back, and up-for-anything mom. Thank you for challenging me as well (in challenging yourself) to be the kind of mom we are meant to be and to rely on God where we are lacking. :) Love you!!

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