fostering honesty- miya

If I'm going to be honest I'd have to tell you I miss baby Miya like crazy.
I miss her, I worry about her, I wonder how she is.

Honestly I miss her smiles, I miss her laugh, I miss that we don't get to see her milestones, I miss, miss, miss her.

I hate that as much as I tried to keep my heart protected, the fact that the whole situation was played as a possible adoption scenario several times, somewhere in the back of my head I unwillingly put together pictures of what it would look like to have her as our own.  Forever.  Even though I knew better.

Honestly I let myself hope that God was setting out to prove something to me... and the something I thought it was, was not what it turned out to be.  And that hurts.

Honestly sometimes I feel like (embarrassingly, because I know it's incomparable) I lost a child.  Like lost a child to death.  We had three amazing months with her and now she's gone.

And honestly sometimes I feel like having this new little guy here makes it worse... I do things with him or watch him play or snuggle him and it makes me ache with missing her.
When I'm rocking him, or singing to him, or praying with him before bed, only half of me is there in the moment with him.  The other half is acutely aware of the sadness of not being able to do that with her.  It honestly makes me sad that she's not the one sitting in the high chair in my kitchen munching on cheerios.  It makes me sad that I'm trying to teach someone else baby sign language or how to clap or wave or stack blocks and that I won't get to teach her and watch her learn these things.  It makes me sad to plan a first birthday party and know we won't get to be a part of hers.

And honestly I worry about her.  Oh, how I worry about her.
I try not to.  I try to trust in the knowledge that God's got this.  He's got her.
But still I worry for her.

The kids ask about her.  They miss her too.
They still ask if we can see her, they point out things she'd like, ask if we can buy things for her.

I don't know if it's because she was our "first".  I don't know if it's because her name was just one letter away from the name we have had picked out for the past six years for if we ever got to name an adopted daughter.  Or that her mom's last name was the same as ours minus the ending.  Or if it's because she fit so perfectly into our little family.  I don't know if it's because I on some level let my heart believe she was meant to be ours.
But I think about her and miss her every single day.

If I'm totally honest I must admit too that I'm a little angry.
I'm a little angry at God for not going through with the plan "I" thought he had for us.
I'm a little angry at the judge for granting custody to the "other woman"; a mother with two teenagers and who works two jobs and travels overnight out of town for one of them.
I'm a little angry that we put in the hard work for three months just to hand her over, not back to her parents or grandparent -which was originally the plan- but to this "friend" of the family for her to raise her and adopt her herself.
I'm a little angry that we're not the ones getting to adopt her.
I'm a little angry that the "other woman" claimed to know I how feel, having done foster care in the past, and empathized and promised to stay in touch and send pictures and wanted Miya to still know us as much as we wanted her to... and then hasn't been in touch at all in the past six weeks.
Yes, I'm a little angry.

But mostly I just miss her.
And worry.

I know if she isn't the daughter God has for us, then there's a different plan for us.  And for her.

But I still miss her.
And I still mourn the fact that we don't get to be her family.

If I'm being totally honest.




***
edited to add:
I wrote this post yesterday in a teary-eyed vent.  I do want to be as honest as I can be about the process and the feelings wrapped up in doing foster care.  I didn't publish right away because I wanted to get out of the emotion I was in at the moment and be sure I really wanted to vulnerably share, which I do.

But now I should tell you that while feeling better after my little vent and some prayer,
the phone rang last evening.
Coincidentally, it was Miya's guardian, the "other woman".
She was calling to ask if I could watch Miya all day one day this week while she works.

I honestly hesitated; the last (only) time I visited them, taking some extra things over there the very first week Miya left, I departed with very mixed emotions.  Some things I was relieved about after having seen their home and talking more, but then there were other things I was worried more about having seen them in action.

Ultimately I (of course) agreed to take her this week.  If I said no, it would only be to protect my heart.  Selfishly.
Because in my head I know I want to choose to be involved with their family as much as they'll allow.  To keep tabs on them so to speak, as well as to be whatever support/advice/mentor might help her parent that little girl better.


All that above up there?  That's still how I felt (feel?).
So it's completely bittersweet that we get to spend another day with Miya's sweet smiles this week.  I am thankful that God granted me this little Miya "fix" when I was so, so frustratingly sad about it all yesterday.

And we'll just see where it goes from here...

Thanks for letting me be honest.