gratitude

I spent a lot of yesterday feeling frustrated with God.
Feeling quite woe-is-me and on the short side of the fairness balance.

I think we were supposed to take this job in Nashville and I know we had a peace about the decision being in step with God's will for our family. And ultimately I still have that peace.
That is, if you can have peace and still be frustrated, disheartened and tempted to be resentful.
So maybe not.
Regardless, I do feel we were led to make the right decision.
But I'm feeling baffled as to why the rest of this can't fall into place.
Let's be honest; can't fall into place like and when I think it should.

When all of this happened the first time, after moving to Michigan; when we had to make the decision to move again and try to discern the Lord's change of direction for our family, we did it all fairly easily. The decision was easy, the timing was easy, everything fell into place quickly, (mostly) painlessly and perfectly. And I knew it. I acknowledged how blessed we were to have gotten the job, to have landed in the right house, to have met up with old friends and made so many great new ones so quickly and easily. Too easily. I said it often; God is good.

This time around it hasn't all been so neat and tidy. The decision was harder, the route more confusing. And now all of this limbo. And separation. For months. With still no end in sight. Can this really be what God wants right now?
I knew from the beginning it was different. I told a friend months ago that I had a feeling it's wasn't going to be easy this time... that I think God wants to stretch our faith a little more this time. We're going to have to trust more, lean more and follow blindly. And come out better on the other side.

Honestly, I feel like it's a test.
The thing is, I feel at times like I'm just not making the grade and that's why we haven't "passed" yet.
Like until I "get" whatever it is I'm supposed to get... until I learn the lesson... until I fully "insert whatever it might be here"... we're stuck here. Like whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, I'm not doing enough.

I can't help but wonder, why am I still here?
Have I still not given up complete control? Am I still trying to lean too much on my own understanding?? Can that really ever be fully put away???

But.
I know I've trusted and honored and leaned more than I ever have before. I know I've stopped "trying" in my own power and tried relying on His. I know I don't need to "do enough".
And I also know that God is still good.
All the time.

Even when I'm not in control. Make that especially when I'm not in control.
I think that's what I have the hardest time with.
I was okay to wait for school to be out, as it turned out that was The Plan. I was especially okay to wait til after there was a 500 year flood and thankful that we didn't already have our name on a house that was destroyed by flood waters. I can easily look back at certain things and say "okay, I see why it was not yet then"... but then still I demand to know; what's the hold up now? What's the reasoning for Not June Either?? What are we waiting for?!??

And don't even let me get started on the whole standstill on any adoption/foster care front. That is what's killing me the most... I can't even talk about it.

I'm impatient and I like to be in the know and not blindfolded in the passenger seat. Eager to be along for the ride, but feeling like we've been parked for suspiciously way too long.

In other words, I'm human.

But I'm trying.

Wow, this started out meaning to be a grate-full post... reflecting on past "okay God, anytime now" impatient situations and how they turned out to be, wouldn't ya know it, perfectly orchestrated by someone who knew exactly what they were doing. Better than I.
Now you're lucky I've rambled on all these tangents and you're off the hook for more at the moment. Truthfully, I babbled so long that now I'm actually drawing a blank on the few perfect examples I had in mind to share in the first place. Apparently I'm still exhausted and my short term memory fails big time when I'm tired.

Note to self: write things down before you get started writing!

I'll leave you instead with the words from this song I've been praying all day:

Blessed be your name, when the sun's shining down on me,
when the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be your name

And Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering,
though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name, in the land that is plentiful,
where your streams of abundance flow,
Blessed be your name

And Blessed be your name, when I'm found in the desert place,
though I walk through the wilderness,
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out, I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say:

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name