struggling

I meant to get around here and post some pics and do some updating this weekend.
We had a fabulous weekend.
Absolutely fabulous...

and extremely rough.

It's like all the things I'm dreading leaving here when we move were all shoved into one weekend, in my face, for "one last", taunting me.

Kids riding bikes around this great neighborhood? Check.
Walking around the corner to the playground on a whim because the sun's out? Check.
Savannah having fun with her best friend and her squad of girls cheering at one last game? Check.
Fun lunch with friends at one of our favorite restaurants around? Check
Amazing night with a collection of the best of friends laughing way too hard and eating way too much? Check
Watching all of our kids play and grow (and be triplets!) together? Check.
Spend a fabulous St. Louis teaser of an almost-spring day at one of the best (and free) zoos in our country right here in our own backyard? Check.

I was really struggling this weekend.
Saturday night after our friends left (or retired to bed in the other room) it really hit me that we soon have to say goodbye to them. And while I know it's not goodbye forever, it's goodbye to nights like this. It's goodbye to the ease of hanging out and of watching our kids grow up together really knowing each other so well.
How long will it be before we have friends like that in our new home? How long will it be before friends just walk on in the front door without knocking, how long before friends are helping themselves in our kitchen and putting kids to bed in our bedrooms? How long before I get hugs like that on an ordinary game night again?
It'll never quite be the same.

And then Sunday, all the way home from our perfect day at the zoo, driving through the beauty that is Forest Park and driving through this great city, I was mourning the fact that soon we won't be able to call this all home.

Even the kids are picking up on this beginning of the "lasts"... every time we go to do something fun or "St Louisy" one of them asks (or points out) if this will be our last. Is it our last trip to the Magic House?, was this our last trip to the zoo? (no, we're going to milk that place for all it's worth for the next couple of months!)... the tickets in my purse to the Blues game in a couple of weeks will be the last one we get to attend here, etc. Sawyer even asked if today was the last time we were going to Costco. :)

I think it's just all hitting me because it's all "official" now.
Ryan's done working here. He starts working in Nashville next week.
The for sale sign went up in our yard last Friday.

I realized too this weekend, that while I'm suddenly feeling how much I'm struggling with all of these uncertainties, stresses and with all of this change, of my closest friends, one is ninety miles away, one is dealing with her mother's breast cancer, mastectomy, reconstructive surgery, chemo and recovery long distance, one moved her family to Nebraska TODAY, and one (aka: the husband) is about to move 350 miles away from me and his kids for about 80% of the time.

So in some ways I'm already feeling pretty alone in all this, which in turns makes everything that much more overwhelming.

Sorry for the downer tonight. I just needed to get some thoughts out.
Meanwhile, we are enjoying Ryan's last full week here.
It's supposed to be good weather all week and we have some fun stuff planned. I also have lots of pics of our fun stuff this past weekend so I'll get those posted this week. Happier things to to enjoy!